Bah humbug.

SXSWi – is coming up. I’m going to go for Break Bread FOR Brad to memorializing our friend Brad Graham who passed away this year. I also want to see 20×2.org with Jim On Light speaking and founded by our friend Kevin Newsome.

See told you. Not a good post.

And what am I talking about. I’m talking about Bryson’s room that we basically have to strip down to the furniture and throw everything away because I left the kittens to go wild in there. To numbed out to go in there and do the little things and much of what I am frustrated about is, and are maintenance things.

Not having the money to fix little things around the house as they break or touch up what needs to be fixed when it breaks. It’s hard to wake up after years numbed out and see it all. All at once to see the cracks, the holes in the walls, the shifting foundation, the way I let it get to this. The house full of crap we don’t need, the general disregard I have had for my space and my life. It’s everywhere.

But as Brad told me while I was weeping and raging, we are taking steps. They aren’t huge yet, but they are steps and I think if we continue, I may yet get back to a life I want to lead. I don’t think I am asking for too much, I just want to have a house that inspires me rather than embarrasses me. I want a house that calms me, and is my refuge rather than where I go to hide. I want a home that reflects all the things I see and find enriching instead of just storage. And that will continue to take work. I think about the places of my friends that inspire and it’s due to their continued pruning of their space, their continue working toward a goal, and their hard work. Which is what I’m going to have to do daily to get where I want to be.

All the things above apply to my physical and mental space too. It’s just about getting out of my head, my own ability to sabotage and taking those steps.

I got “let go” on Monday. I instinctually knew it was coming. Literally I told Brad I was getting fired and he thought for sure I was being paranoid brought on by Paxil.

Nope. Got laid off.
Without rehashing the whole thing. I knew when he hired someone without talking to me that there was some writing on the wall. I thought we worked out the boundaries but forgot that ultimately we were not partners but competitors. She worked it her way. Not sure if it was intentional, but I know that while I was working on what was asked of me and getting a major major project done, when he asked her if we needed two of us she said no. It’s not personal – her belief is that she could be the queen and have little minions doing her bidding. So yah, I got out maneuvered and she is moving forward there.

The big thing is – do I care? Not sure I do. I know there was a large sigh of relief in my gut when it happened followed quickly by the “oh shit” what are we going to do reflex.

All of this in the middle of the Paxil removal, the hormone entrance. It has been a lot.

Met with a Meds doc finally. WHEW! She basically evaluated where I was (four days) after and thought that I wasn’t depressed and wasn’t anxiety ridden although we did have situational parts of that. I had occasionally taken some Paxil to smooth but it’s really really down. So she wants me to take that all the way and see how that goes. So we are now off off. I’ve had a little tears today.

Basically the day is cold, the light is too revealing and I see all the things wrong in the house and what needs to be done. I just feel blech. Brad has fled the house. Rightly.

So now I’ve got to pick myself up by the bootstraps and quit being a whiner. I fell asleep at the wheel for 2 years, it’s not going to magically pick itself up and work out in one freaking day. I need to remember that every step in this new direction is a step not stuck. I need to remember that the opposite of done is perfect. I need to remember that I am not Monique. She has the ability to just work around the edges and then suddenly things just seem like home.

Ok that’s the big update. No job. I’m entertaining some interesting offers though and really thinking about what would make me happy. I am planning a trip to see Jen in NM and enjoying not working like a dog for someone who doesn’t appreciate what I’m doing.

January 23, 2010

– The Paxil Zaps are still in full effect. It’s not the shock or seizure that others have said. Mine is more a spinning. If I walk too fast or move to fast it feels like the world is spinning. It’s not as intense as it has been. When I’m sitting it’s not happening anymore.

– Nausea is gone or very low.

– Tears are there. In a weird way. Almost more PMSy than depression related. I’m not overwhelmed and frustrated. If I see something that hits a sad note or I think about something that might be just a tad sad, I can tear up a bit. Not overwhelming to cause me blubbery but just a quick tear and then it’s gone. I can sometimes avoid this by redirecting my thought.

– Feel a little OCD in that I want to finish what I start. Noticed it when I started an e-mail today and it bled into trying to fix issues of the e-mail and then come back around to the e-mail. Brad wanted me to leave it and come back and that thought wasn’t sounding great to me.

– This may be a little unrelated or not, but lately Brad can make me laugh so hard I literally have to have him stop so I can breath. I don’t know if I’m seeing humor again or he’s just on a streak or what.

– This might be on the other flip side, we are getting to the heart of some issues. Less chatting around the issues, more say what you feel. Leads to some interesting conversations. It started out after our very long intense conversation earlier in the week. We aren’t pulling punches and so far we aren’t hitting back with punches so that’s good.

– I’m having a bit of anxiety zaps at night. And my dreams are really really intense.
– Not making lists of lists of lists of things to do, but I am very aware I have lots to do and I have a strong urge to get that organized.

January 22, 2010

– Spins are happening. Still intensely. Mainly when I get up or down – less just sitting still.
– I still feel like I. CAN’T. SHUT. UP. Verbally, written or otherwise. I keep wanting to slip my two cents in but more like it’s a 20 dollar worth. Brevity is not my friend. Better than it was, but still really present.

January 21, 2010

– Working on a deadline that has left me in an interesting stress stretch. Probably a good test of how I can handle it in the future. I was very easily disheartened and felt very sensitive. Again it could be PMSy (as if miracles do happen, i may be in that zone).
– I finally just cried after some teariness and it quickly passed.
– My dreams are freaking intense and I have had at least two anxiety episodes right as I passed out for bed.
– I have noticed that I’m feeling a tad timid in conversations and overwhelmed. Not my normal work self.
– Conversely I can’t seem to SHUT up and interjecting into conversations with my boss and others. My discretion and need to not prove myself is off a bit.

January 20, 2010

– Mainly physical effects. Spins sitting down and standing up.
– Nauseous and had to eat a bland meals to not get sick.
– Feeling good about facing issues that I’ve delayed. Found a home for kittens, and made an appointment with Accountant and man does it feel good to start taking an active part of my life again. Outways the spins.

January 19, 2010

January 18, 2010

– Can’t remember much beyond the spins and feeling a little vulnerable.

January 17, 2010

– Spins are in big time. Getting more intense.
– I’m having a bit of hot and cold attacks. Kind like hot flashes and chills but they aren’t intense.

January 16, 2010

– The spins have begun.
– I’ve noticed a level of frustration rise. Not quick to anger or stay that way but I can feel a quick burst of frustration, its there and then bam it’s gone.
– I am now officially chatty cathy-good lord am I emotive and conversational.
– This lead to a conversation with Brad that was born of buried frustration and long standing issues. It could be construed as an argument but we called it a roving six hour conversation that brought up things we should have aired like a year ago. The status of things we need to change, what is working and how we need to make things better. It was in essence a fantastic conversation. Hard at the time but wow did we clear the air and the resentments right out of the house.

January 15, 2010

– This is where it all started. I woke feeling so aware. I noticed at the office that I needed to get some files organized, that my car was way dirty and I took care of both of these things.
– When I came home I noticed for all the areas of my house I wanted to get organized and cleaned and put right. I literally felt like I was waking up from a dream and wow had I let shit get out of hand.

January 14, 2010

– None that I could tell.

January 13, 2010

– None that I can tell. Day 1 forget to initially pick up the prescription

I think I need to document some of it here for the record. I know that Kim said she was going to try the Zoloft weaning process and all I can say is I would I would research it first so she knows what she is in for.

For me this was a more gut, instinctual move. In my spiritual experiences I have found that God challenges me and my nature by whispering versus shouting. Only when I miss messages ad nauseum do major life shifts happen radically for me – think a 90 degree right turn versus a gentle lane shift. And I don’t think those radical life change are punitive or based on a directive that I missed (ala don’t look back at the city Lot’s wife)- just that if I get calm and listen to my body, my needs, my environment and the gentle whispering of spirit, I hear the messages and where I need to go. If I miss those messages repeatedly, I believe that God gives me a more direct shove.

It’s the times that I listen to those more whispering messages of spirit, that I feel without fail I’m lead to more authentic discoveries, life joy and clarity of thought. It’s happened so many times that this message more than any dogma or rules become my church. The quiet remembrances of how scenarios have felt in my life that guide me to reach out a hand even if it feels odd, to express an emotion of love or gratitude in a scenario normally reserved for anger or to walk a path that can seem counter-intuitive – that’s God, spirit and love working through me.

To that end, when the missed dosage didn’t lead to the normal anger and overwhelmedness that brings me running back to the Paxil and the sweeping feeling of waking up into a life that wasn’t where i wanted to be without the corresponding guilt, i realized that I was hearing a whisper. It was time to act.

So here is where we are so far.

• I started anti-depressants in 1994/1995 and I feel without a doubt at that it saved me. I had classic signs that had progressed and deepened as I struggled with what would ultimately be a marriage in ruins.
• Ongoing counseling off and on but standard dosage. 1995-1999
• I continued on a pretty consistent dosage while working with my Pastoral grief counselor that got me through the death of a beloved dog, a divorce, a youth that had sexual abuse and all the very large corresponding grief, anger and expression therein. 1999-2005
• During the early aughts the good folks at Glaxo released the formulation to generic and moved to Controlled release to maintain their profit. They stopped making the formula that worked for me and forced everyone to move to either generic of CR. Both of which reacted very very poorly with me. CR was ok but the anxiety (which took me awhile to realize was what it was) was not controlled very well. Led to some frantic talk with my prescribing Psychiatrist and some dosage uppages to combat the panic and anxiety. This wasn’t a great solution but I was functioning enough to keep on trucking. I had stopped seeing my talk therapist and checked in with my meds doctor now and again but it was ok. 2005-2008
• Welcome to the the hardest two years of my financial life. My company was going down in fuego but I was so stubborn, I just continued to try and make it work in a thousand ways. I got married to my best friend which balanced out so many of the bad moments but you never start a life with someone and not have major work to do. It was a hard two years. Paxil was toward the end of this period what I believe allowed me to function enough to get to the point that I realized how many things have to change. I know that in the summer of 2009 when I was at the very bottom of my wet hill, I was self upping my dosage to deal. After getting a day gig and realizing it wasn’t evil and that the end of that part of my life was happening and a new brighter one was happening, I reduced the dosage down to original levels pretty easily. 2008-2009

That’s the past history. It’s been a valued friend but I can’t get over how much more aware I feel now about things. Like the state of my home, deep conversations I needed to have across multiple sources, actions I need to take both for my health and my ongoing sanity. It’s amazing and what is driving me forward.

Also reading about the brain chemistry of Dopamine and Serotonin. Realizing that my serotonin receptors might be working again through more movement physically which I’m slowing starting to do again. And that my Dopamine and anxiety are still a little off kilter but that I might be able to deal with that on a case by case basis with a combination on meds and action. This is where I’ll insert the conversation with my doc so I can manage this.

I will update the actual withdrawal symptoms here in a bit but I need to get to the job for awhile.

* Who has two thumbs and is weening off of Paxil? This girl. It started as a missed prescription pick-up and then forgot to take dosage the next day. I can honestly say that Friday was the most most productive day I had in long time. I filed all the files at my office, I cleaned out my car, I talked to people I needed to call even if they were hard conversations.

Normally the cycle is good productivity, followed quickly by bubbling anger and getting overwhelmed and then the crash of tears and the grey period. I quickly get back on the Paxil and then away we go.

Because of the last year struggle with the generic Paxil verus the CR version of Paxil, + getting used the extreme anxiety of the last year – I know that the generic and Controlled Release work with my depression but not my anxiety. I know when it was bad I would just double up a day or two and the anxiety would go away. I know that I need to see my med’s doctor and having been a 15 year veteran of Paxil I’m not doing things willy nilly.

So I have the Paxil at the stand-by but I’m beginning to suspect that the addictive nature of Paxil and the withdrawals have caused some of the symptoms I thought were depression sneaking back in. Now I’m thinking that I’ve got some anxiety that I’m learning to deal with and might need to medicate as needed.

I will be monitoring this here pretty much in detail. But so far, I feel like I have been in a bit of a coma and am waking up. Not uncommon when I stop the meds but this time the overwhelming and debilitating stoppage of life isn’t happening. I’m just seeing how many times when I couldn’t move because of the pile on top of me, I would medicate. And that’s not to say I’m saying that depression wasn’t a huge part of it but now, I’m enjoying being involved in my life, not getting panicked about things (for the most part) and feel like I’m physically and mentally moving again. Brad and I even had this amazing, what might have been an argument but was more a large large opening up and honestly discussion about patterns that we both feel like are better left in the past and how we need to keep on trucking to get where we want to go.

I seem to be all over the place with this post but mainly wanted to document where I’m headed.
More tomorrow…

hahaha. We launched a major site at work and slowly I have been fighting the gunge that my lovely and wonderful husband had for a few days. I find I am so not very good when Brad is sick because he does the growly bear cave impression. And he withdraws. It’s like having the sun in your face and you glow from it and then suddenly the wind whips by and you are cold and by yourself. He tends to growl and receded into his cave. Dramatic and it tends to make me pouty. Very attractive in a 39 year old i feel.

So work, plus impending gunge. I fell asleep totally unintentionally on the couch on Friday night at like 8. Just someone took my batteries out and I was done. Woke up late the next day. All the parents go ahead and mock now. Poor widdle Tina got to bed early and up late. The world’s tiniest violins are playing for you now. I know the juxtaposition of me against having young ones is jarring. When B. was here, I realized that on a quite a few days that was quite a large luxury I should not take for granted.

Brad’s side of the business is starting to take off and that’s good. I’m enjoying my not having so much on my shoulders. Every day I get to take a bit more off and the equitableness of the load is allowing me to breath more. We are working on our budget a little tonight, we have a meeting with the accountant next week and i can begin to breath as things start to return back to normal. This time with more cash for emergencies and a better sense of when the water has gotten too high to bail and it’s time for more drastic measures.

Good lord has it been a rough couple years. But I finally can see the beginning of the end of the bad times.

And i’m complete rubbish at new year’s resolutions. I always drip them out, they always crash and burn. blurgh.

Let’s revise the name to goals. Does that sound to win/win for this. Attempted Goals, Do Betters, Life Attempts, Ambitions, Destination, Intent…oh I have it.

My 2010 Destination of Intents
I’ll get these in a bit. Need to have to a break….

Today was the first day back to the office. After a tiff with a friend via IM the night before where some pretty hurtful things were said, Brad and I had a great clearing of the air about some resentments I’ve carried with me in the last few months. I think that one of the best things about having Brad as my partner is that instead of feeling like I have to protect him from these thoughts, we are stable enough to be honest. Honest enough to say, there is a tiny kernel of truth here and it bothers me. To admit that we weren’t as strong as we wanted to be for each other. He was able to get his resentments out too. Some behaviors that began as treats that have led to expectations and thus no fun anymore. I felt amazingly good about this conversation. Like a mouthwash was applied to the mouthful of hurt and it stung a bit but we were made whole again and refreshed when done.

So I think I talked to a few friends and they recommended Consumer Credit Counseling. Not that we need the counseling but the debt consolidation plan would help us get the creditors off our back, a plan to have them paid back and a feeling like we are moving forward. That will at least stop us from getting sued or having to file for bankruptcy. It will be a relief to have that settled.

Also I’m a little rocked by the passing of a virtual friend. I met Brad Graham at SXSWi early in the 2000’s and he was instrumental in making me feel so welcomed into this tech world. He hosted a Break Brad with Brad event every Friday before the festival got going. He introduced so many people to each other and blogging and the SXSWi festival that can be so overwhelming when you are new and awestruck at the blogosphere’s A Listers. He passed away from natural causes at 41 and it’s shocking and it makes me very sad for this loss.

So it was definitely up, down, sideways but you know what. It feels good to come back here and share it all. Like I don’t have to keep it neutral here any more.

I also got my hair trimmed and did a little meditation today. I got a book on wellness and did some reading. The exercise was to visualize your soul. My visualization was disturbing. A large bird. A large carrion bird. A huge wing span beautiful in it’s dark way but not what I wanted but there it was. The book also was careful to report to not brush aside images no matter what they are. To sit with them. So I did. That was last night so today when I picked up the meditation again, I got to the part where you merge that internally and the way it worked was to have it extend out the wings up and the birds claws were clawing at what looked like a blockage in my gut area. It suddenly became very powerful then. The bird was trying to clear away the dead parts, to revive my gut (instincts) which was a very pretty intense image. I begin to work with that image and not that I got very far but it has been very interesting thinking. There was some interaction with some old wounds that are hard to piece together in my mind much less o the blog. But it left me in an place. However, it’s tied to my feeling disjointed and not in my skin right.

I can feel there are pieces here and pieces there. I’ll continue to sit with them and let them digest a bit. Continue working with the feelings and see where it leads me.

In other news B. heading back to NC tomorrow. It’s been a good visit. I’m a little off kilter because the week or two I need to adjust to not being the center of the world is his entire trip. That being said he’s growing up so quick. He’s like a little man-cub. Some days he’s wanting to snuggle and get hugs and then the next I can practically see the testosterone bubbling in his veins. Tweens are so hard. My best image of this is him sucking his thumb calling a guy a jerk for killing him in Call of Duty.

I’ve been watching him and Brad interact and it’s like a little shadow. I keep trying to show them their arguments are just based on them both digging in and being “right”. It’s an uphill battle. But I’ll keep trying.

I’m looking for a place to think about my goals for the coming year. I want to do them SMART but every time I think of goals, I think of things like be less lumpy. So I want to get more actionable. I’ll keep everyone posted and I might even put them here. Muhahahahahahaha.

I’m trying to explain this right. Overall my life isn’t bad. I have a job now. We are starting to pull out of pretty bad financial hole, I’m married to my best friend, I have an awesome step-son, I have my health. Those aren’t bad things. I have that perspective.

But this life quandary has had me in my head lately. Why am I here?

I’ve been chewing on that thought for awhile. What is my purpose on this planet? What is my contribution? I used to think it was to write or be a writer even a well-known writer and that may be it but I’m certainly not putting any energy toward that. I was going to be the great defender of those less fortunate, but again, no energy-no heat in that direction. I also thought it was to be a mother. To pass on the genetic material in the great chain of life. My body has not cooperated with that. If this last hail mary pass of PCOS doesn’t get us there then my role will most likely be as step-mother. I love and cherish this role but it is secondary at best and a support role.

I keep waiting for feel secure before I move forward. And I hear in my head/heart about service from God but I haven’t moved forward. That needs to change this year.

Other changes are getting back in touch with my authenticness. I have become lazy in many respects and I’ll be working on that. As well as getting active again.

Being authentic means not telling yourself untruths. Also being who you are. Right now I’m fat. Fatter than I have been in the past. I’m working myself to death (partly necessity partly avoidance) and I’ve stopped taking care of myself. There have been more than a few days, people will notice my shirt is inside out AT THE OFFICE. Because I haven’t bothered to look in the mirror. I don’t like what I see, so I don’t want to see it.

I’ve also neglected me in self care like working out and just basic body care. I’ve been so panicked that we were sinking and depressed that I didn’t bother with non-required things like shaving and hair cuts. Oh and that 30 pounds I’ve packed on.

Self care is about noticing and seeing yourself and stopping behaviors that don’t work. To that end, I’m making changes in authenticness that I have lost. Becoming centered again. I know where I want to go and it’s not that hard to get there. I just have to use my voice.

Not that we are going navel gazing anytime soon. Just remembering the tools I have at my disposal. Too that end this site is going to be much more real about what is going on and less vague. I think that all the day work of surviving has distracted me from the night work of living. There is plenty of work to be done but at the end of the day which has been about 9 or so, there is little energy to proceed with.

That about covers it for me today. I’m trying to think where I was at this time 2000. And if I’m correct I had just put my dog Jack to sleep, I was crying constantly and had checked myself into therapy with the woman (Norma) who literally taught me to be real and authentic. I stayed in counseling with her for years and she married me to my husband. We went through a lot together and I think that I owe her much of what I am today. I owe Jack my dog that and more as he started me on this path to adulthood and where I am today. I owe Jeremy, I owe Moni, I owe myself because I worked hard to get here.

Time to pick myself back up and keep walking. I will have to trust God on this path and where he is taking me.