I used to love venting on FB.  Just like I loved to snark on Twitter.  As each becomes less personal and more professional, my updates are less and less personally relevant.

I want to scream out that I am unhappy.  That I feel lost and that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I got what I wanted in a business and income (although I want more) and my health and bills and lack of forethought put me in this position where I am swimming upstream again.  And I haven’t even dealt with the majority of the bill issues.

The thing that holds me back again and again – I don’t want to owe people money and have no way to pay them.  I went through that and the shame and fear of it, is pushing me away from growth.

At least I have named it.  Now I can face it.

Sorry I don’t come over here and put happy thoughts.  There are plenty but this period in my life is not marked by much of it.  I have killed the hope addict.  I am coming to terms with their is no white knight.  I am not going to have a partner to share my burdens.  I don’t trust people anymore (tribe, family excluded).  I see other couples and their partners all seem to be contributing and I don’t seem to meet or find those people in my life.  I made horrible choices and am now paying the piper in many ways.  It’s easy to get angry, to have shame, to have fear and to have sadness about this place in my life and in my head.

What is harder is having forgiveness and tenderness toward myself.  To allow myself a certain kindness I would absolutely give to my friends and family.  I would wrap them in love, tenderness and caring.  I would help them and listen and guide them as they learn to stand up again.  I would cheer them and support them.  Thinking about that for myself seems very foreign.