Sharp Curves Ahead

I read this post with interest – On the Private Heart.

I have been in such a do mode, that I have forgotten to be still and let the creative part of me flow. My therapist did note that creative is tied in someways psychologically to the physical that I discussed in this post. In that regard what has made me feel stifled creatively has also allowed me to compartmentalize the physical yearnings. To unleash one, is to open a door for the other.

I say release the Kraken!

We all do. When one relationship is over and we are not ready for another in any sense of the word. The thought of trying to climb through the intricacies of getting to know someone again in a way where I could or would trust them is physically, mentally and certainly emotionally beyond what I can do.

But.

The need for the physical has re-emerged. That slight hole that propels people into decisions that are best left in their head. It is hard because heretofore, I was content. I was surrounded by friends and family who truly loved me, and like a straw I sucked up the healthy love like chocolate love. I stopped mentally beating myself into a pulp, and slowly and not that shockingly I am beginning to transform physically into who I want to be. Not some stupid toothless supermodel but less in the ways I want to be less. I put on a bra (and bought it) this weekend that was a C cup. And probably needed to be a B Cup. I have been a DD since forever. I can’t remember being a C Cup. And certainly not a B Cup. The shock on my mind was like a kick to the solar plexus. I know the cups are different from different brands I still fit quite comfortably in a D bra, I brought with me, but for double sure, not a DD. And then there was the size two lower than what I wear skirt. That zipped. Up. I know I am firmly in the size above but the fact that it went on and zipped and looked like something I would wear was a good place to be.

But I’m not done with where I want to be. Not by the longest shot. And I don’t mean just physically. Emotionally, Mentally there are definitely band-aids and glue and glitter still holding me together in some places, not especially well. So the tiny ache of the physical re-emerging isn’t particularly wanted. It’s that need to be physically in the presence of someone and know that they are attracted. To me. To know I am desirable. There wasn’t a switch that I know of that tripped, it just appeared and it’s not wanted but I have to acknowledge it’s there. I know from my past pushing it down just leads to huge gulping, gapping bad decisions. This particular loop can be pretty killer to my self-esteem because in the best of days, I’m an acquired taste – to look for a spark in the eyes of strangers is a fools folly that leads to dings to my mental armor when normal people just go about their day. Every interaction isn’t a mirror to reflect how I feel about myself. I know this. But I know this particular bad habit of mine. It’s re-emerged for a reason. Just like the failure monster of a few posts ago.

I need to find what makes me think I can be fulfilled physically or otherwise by someone and their approval, desire or attraction to me. That is truly the sign of someone not whole. And I know that I’m past this, but having this physical need roar to life in me, has me off my stride. I realized during meditation that it’s there and then it sprung forward during my stay in Florida. It’s good to be here to think it through and decide how to proceed. And since there is no where TO PROCEED with it even in Dallas, it’s better to find other ways to have that need met.

I’m not quite sure what that is but I suspect it’s transforming one kind of energy into another and to keep moving forward.

the film between what you see
and what I see
when you see me
is dropping

not much longer; it will be clear
like a veil pulled gently from
the haze of your vision

one day, it will be perfectly reflected
back at you
and I’ll enjoy the surprise
in your eyes
when you see me
as I see myself

pictures won’t be lies
outside to in
we will match and the
only thing I need now is
time
to show you

Remember this post? It was awhile ago but apparently it’s been percolating.

I wondered in that post and aloud why at my core, I believe I don’t matter.

My family growing up, even called me “Captain Protector”. I thought I had moved past this. In fact, I have moved just not quite past it. The wound has healed but the resin remains. A deep message buried inside me says – “You aren’t worthy” and that’s why you weren’t protected.

I made the connection yesterday. I talked to my therapist and to my Stephen’s Minister and to my friends and thought on it. And then the Universe and my conception of God, pushed me over the edge into the wall so steep that I would pay attention. I started failing – or it felt like I was failing. I had several clients not working out the way I wanted, lessons that I thought I had learned were smacking me in the face, my business partner was saying things that were piercing the armor. I really felt like I was flailing. *cue a mental breakdown that involved unplugging all media and playing Angry Birds*

When I started talking to my therapist about it she asked a few questions and I suddenly realized this wasn’t about “failure”. I made a connection like this:

1. Beast/Monster panicking me was not just a monster, it was THE Monster. It was the mother of the beasts that Beowulf went into the wild to slay.

2. It was the core belief that I was a failure. And I had wondered what it was about and had given up knowing and was just going about fixing.

3. A belief that hardwired doesn’t take kindly to being “fixed” – all the boundaries I had set, the work I had done on believing not just in word but in deed that I matter, pushing back and addressing people and situations that don’t work for me anymore brought this one up ROARING.

4. After recognizing what it was, we talked about if it was really about failure.

5. And it was but in a weird way. That protection, that saving, that need to save people was at my core about wanting to be protected and loved and accepted. It started as protection but as I aged the need to be the one that would say YES. The one that would stand alone with people who were picked on, to friend people and put myself in harms way at any cost. And it kept going. If I say yes to being treated like shit, people will like me more. If i say, I will sacrifice for others, then I will be loved more. It got wrapped in my brain.

6. As it unwraps. It comes down to this. The more I say No. Not just no to things, but people treating me a certain way, no to situations I can’t possibly do, situations that bring harm to me in mental or physical ways – the bigger the FAILURE monster was. HUGE.

7. So I’m basically by saying yes to everything I was setting myself up to fail as you can’t do or be everything to everyone. You can’t make everyone happy. You can’t continually mentally stab yourself and think that the wounds won’t bleed.

8. In my brain, every time I sacrificed me, I told myself sub-consciously I don’t matter. Every time I tell people, clients included that I can do something I clearly can’t because either there isn’t enough time, enough money or both, then I’m setting myself up for failure. I am late because I want people to not be mad. The examples through-out my life past and present are too numerous to list.

So the monster has been named. I physically felt the yarn unwind in my head when this clicked. I literally saw the connection and why it’s been raised it’s head so strongly lately.

So now, the real work starts. I have to physically identify that process as it’s so ingrained I don’t even realizing I’m doing it. I have worked hard to know when someone violates a boundary and I physically feel that. The same now, with men/romance in my life. I don’t need to rescue or save them and I can recognize that feeling when I listen. Not so much with this. I’m not sure I’m explaining it great. Just knowing it’s root and how it started by something not particularly evil (a need to be loved) and how it twisted is crucial. That buried kernal of loathing – it’s deep but it’s days are numbered.