You know when you have a day where everything seems panicky and at any moment the world could come crashing down. I’m there. I just feel like I have all this inside me and any direction I turn it burns. Work is what it is. Life is what it is.
You know that’s bullshit. Work is hard right now. We need more clients and it’s slow going. Every day is a battle. It’s hard. Money is always an issue.
Life is hard right now too. I have gained weight and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin or that I deserve to have love and that’s a gross place to be in. Money is always an issue.
I have been thinking a lot about as I age and what am I going to do. My backup plan isn’t really in place and I’m not exactly earning enough to be putting away gobs of money for the future. Normally, I would wave that off but now it weighs on me.
I know intellectually that this too will pass and life will be easier but right now it all seems very hard and it’s stressing me out.
It’s tomorrow and I’m happily single so not really expecting anything dramatic. That said, I think I have come up with the way I can be happy romantically and I like that solution. It’s a little non-traditional so I’d rather not discuss publically but I think it will work. We shall see and I’ll let you know if it changes.
What is going on with me. I’m boring really. Working. Going home, making dinner, watching a little TV and uh talking to Y. and then sleep. It’s kind of repetitive but overall I am happier than I have been in a while. I also experimented and gave up my drug Wellbutrin. It was good for depression but not for anxiety and was making me anxious. I have found that after the drug was out of my system the lack of anxiety was higher than any depression, I felt. I still kept it in case I go off the rails. But it just has been a rough ride with the anxiety and now with it down, I’m like wheeeeee. I feel more like my old self. I have been watching it and making sure no depression sneaks up and so far so good. I might be a little more snarky but that was probably needed. hahahaha.
We went and checked out 24 hour fitness yesterday…little “fitness bro” up in there but as an alternative to the YMCA which is hell and gone for us now, it’s a great solution and only two minutes from the house. R. likes it because he can go sauna and hot tub. At any hour of the day. We like it for the fitness machines and groups workout classes. I also like their lap pool. I love to swim.
It’s been a year and I am writing again. Yippee…
I don’t think anyone reads this but I enjoy the process. I recently have contacted an old friend and it’s amazing how still connected we are. I was missing a deeper connection even though I have other friendships in my life and Y. provides me with exactly what I have been missing. It’s so gratifying to reconnect and see how much he has changed and yet how much we still get each other. Happpy sigh.
What else, what else. Business has settled down and that’s a relief. November and December were shall we say. Rocky – in terms of the direction we were headed but we have a head full of steam now and we are rolling along.
I started a new eating plan. Basically clean eating, with a little fasting, and little or no sugar, white flour. It has been going well and I feel good about it. Going to start working out soon and that will get me back to where I was in 2012/13 and how much I felt better about my health. My friend J has done a Vegan plan, but I don’t think I can do Vegan or even vegetarian. I like my protein way-way too much. But I have been increasing my veggies intake and I think that’s good.
Excited about going to a knitting class on Sunday to learn how to knit the famous pussy hats. WoooHOOO! Also have to switch my drugs for depression as the newly emboldened insurance company has rejected my specific drug for no reason. Asshats. See what I did there.
I have felt blank lately – a little of anxiety but a lot of blank. What’s up with you is my least favorite question. Because it’s all there but in my head. I’m angry about Trump and what he is doing to the country, I am anxious as hell about that but it’s not everyone’s answer. Mainly cause I don’t want to argue with my conservative family and friends. I love them. I respect them. I just don’t agree AT ALL with how they view things. I am coming to terms with that. I used to throw it in their face and now, I’m just a little like they believe what they want and as long as I get no shit about what I believe then we are at a detente.
Besides that, I go to work. I work out now and again. I’m not dating anyone nor do I want to and I am repeating the first two over and over again. There is little variation in that. Perhaps that’s the answer. Go do ceramics, go to a poetry reading, knit pussy hats, write that novel you always think about. Just do something really. Do it.
I have had several conversations with myself (notice a theme) about the need to step out of myself and donate some time and effort to some kind of organization that does good in the community. I have debated about a few orgs such as Big Brother, Big Sisters, SPCA, or something like that. Time constraints and general laziness have led me to making no movement but today Brooke got Ru and I to go with them on behalf of the ARC to the North Texas Food Bank Comunity Pantry. It was a great and tiring experience. I may have to give more time there, it definitely allowed me to give back, be involved and meet the standards of not being in my own world.
Lately I have this debate in my head. I want to rail against the unfairness and ineptitude of our incoming El Cheeto and his policies. I want to scream at the helplessness I feel. But I have nowhere really to do this. My FB wall is covered and I mean covered in people doing the ranting and on both sides. I have a group of friends (less so now) from High School who are predominantly conservative. I have a group of friends from College and on who think very much like me. This has led to me reading things and getting so mad that I have to leave the site. And there are things to be done – calling representatives and walks and protests. Lots of activity but I feel just like right now no one is listening. The incoming El Cheeto isn’t going to see these things as a constituency unhappy with his choices but will see it as a few dissenters barking in the corner. So the debate is not whether to speak up or not, it’s more about what to do that will help me feel like a real impact is being made. I sigh more listening to the news than I ever did with Shrub was president and El CHeeto isn’t even in the fucking office yet. Le Sigh.
In the most cliched possible way, I started my workout routine at the first of the year. I know, I know. But I have been wanting to start to move again and it was just so crazy at the end of the year. Sooooo. We set up a very doable, three days a week workout routine. The first day I worked out, it was agony and I only went a mile. I was puffy and red. Second time we went thirty minutes and was much better. Third time is today.
It occurred to me that I don’t like working out because I’m in my body fully. I feel all the things I normally just brush off. Sort of like when you meditate you want to be in your body, something about working out make me drop straight into feeling all the things. And when you workout you are uncomfortable and your body is screaming at you, but that is what I’m feeling. It’s an interesting observation, and one I need to chew on. I’m so good at divorcing myself from feeling things that being dropped straight into that feeling is jarring and probably why I don’t usually enjoy the experience. However, knowing that is what’s going on is crucial to help shaping the experience and then I can change perceptions. Hopefully.