Money – hot and cold

What is it about money and having it or not having it that affects my mood so deeply.  Looking back over the previous months posts the highs and lows are related to how much is in my bank account or how much is in my company’s bank account.  I realize things are going to be hot and cold and yet, I can’t separate it in my head.  When things are tight, I feel like a failure and the hold of it weighs me down.  When we are jamming, I can focus.

There must be way to be ok without money.  To not tie it to success and failure in my head.  It’s one of the things that I like the least about me.

The News Depresses Me

Every time I hear about another thing that El Cheeto did that violates what I believe to be right, I sigh.  I can’t look away.   Lately, I take my phone with me to bed to listen to my ebook but as I dose I check the news.  It is just infuriating and sad to me that half of the population is behind this clown.  He is so ridiculous that it’s hard to be supportive of those that I love that support him.  For them, it’s about the taxes and the pro-business stance he has.  For me, it’s that he is not going to “change” the swamps of DC other than to bring in conservative, and even some alt-right people in, allow my rights as a woman to be violated, encourage violence and hate and embarrass us as a nation in the world political scene.  We. Look. Like. Idiots.

I am part of the Pantsuit Nation and even have it on my news feed at a hyper-local level.  I read the inspiring and the sad and sigh.  It’s going to be a long long four years.

What Two Days in a Row

What in the what is going on.  I am writing TWO DAYS IN A ROW.  Crazy man.

Anyhoo.  I’m on a break right now.  A break from a lot of things but mainly alcohol.  I had a run in with Tuaca the other night and it got ugly so I just needed to take some action that separated me from that specific time.  Something.  So I stopped drinking for a bit and you realized pretty quickly how many things are related to a small or not so small drink.

  • Let’s go out for drinks
  • We have an hour to burn want to go get a drink
  • Rough day, lets have some wine
  • Thanksgiving dinner and wine

Just a lot, I didn’t notice but what I have noticed is that everyone I have told is nodding along and not really shocked or askance.  So that’s a good indicator I need to slow my roll in general.

Normally this is when I’m undermedicated – my desire to self-medicate goes up and yesterday I would have sworn I was medicated correctly but I realized I have not taken one of my anti-depressants for almost a month.  WHAT!  Now I’m deciding do I get it renewed or see how I do minus one of my anti-depressants.  CUE THE MUSIC.

Early Hollidailies

Going to try and write here for a bit.  Deep thoughts going on in my brain:

  • If I don’t have a partner (not complaining/don’t really want one) and my goals seem sort of “get through the week” what exactly am I doing?  What am I building toward?  I don’t feel stuck per se.  But I don’t have a kid to get through school, I don’t have a partner that I am building a future with.  I kind of feel a little lost in the ocean of what does it all matter/mean.  And I’m not depressed (I have self-analyzed that already).  I just am looking for the deeper meaning, I am meant to do here on earth.  I would hate to slide into home base and only lived, not really lived for, if that makes sense.
  • Loved loved loved seeing Carla and Christine both in one year.  Miss them and our connection terribly.  Reminded me so much of that time where we were all together and it was spirited discussion and laughter and clearing rooms.  Much love much love.
  • I think President-Elect Trump’s (just threw up in my mouth a little) secret service nickname is El Cheeto.
  • I have been in a funk ever since El Cheeto was elected.  The news makes me sigh and the people he has emboldened both at the personal, State and Federal level makes my head hurt.
  • I drink too much diet soda.  I have gained weight that I don’t have a huge desire to lose right now.  Both seem to bother me at a level somewhere but not enough to change them.
  • Spike has aged into the period of time where (he’s 18) the social contract on my food versus his food has broken down.  I spend dinners shoving his snout off of my plate. Not just sitting there licking the air like normal, nooooooooo, he has gone full snout in on my plate.  I eat in the kitchen most days.

That’s enough of the slice of life.  I really am not depressed.  Just sort of resigned.

Inside Out

I learned something this year. I am an outgoing introvert. I always always always thought I was an extrovert. I love talking and being around people. Until I don’t. It’s like a button goes off and I can be around a few people (and even on occasion no people) but it’s like a magical turkey timer that dings and I am out. And when I say out, I don’t mean politely waiting my turn to talk and then bowing out – I mean Irish Goodbye, fold your notes up mid-meeting and just declare yourself gone. When I am stuck and not able to do this. I shred things around me, I get jumpy, I get ornery and then tired.

It happened last night in the middle of a Cards Against Humanity game and I am afraid I got a tad churlish. I just wanted to be home in softies and chilling out and I was still work dressed and “on”.

So being in the middle of a tournament type thing I can’t just be like I’m OUT! Although I’m sure my body language and everything else about me screamed it. That said R. did meet Ru, Anella, Nick and Kim so that’s great. Only the rest of the tribe, my brother and family to go. He seems to be holding up fine and now I have warned him about the walk of doom to get to know everyone, he has been a great sport about it.

I wonder what other introverted things I will learn about myself. Jeez at 45 you would think I have some of this down but no. Although this does explain my intolerance for chit/chat and banal conversation is. It also explains my need to retreat even in the middle of a party.

Shockface. It’s Holidaillies

Hauself of course wants to do Holidaillies and I am nothing in not a slave to her desires. Hahahaha.

I haven’t written here in ages. About a year it looks like. Mainly because this year has been a whirlwind. I will bring you up to speed.

1. January-August – The business grew at an unprecedented rate. Good news. But it brings such a wide variety of new stressors. People and situations and growth and life can get complicated.

2. September – I had to put Marble to sleep. She was getting worse and worse and I held on a little long. Monique came in town and Brooke, Ru and I went to the vet. It was as horrible as it sounds. She went in peace but for all her craziness I had her for 15 years and she lived a good life. A crazy life but a good life.

3. September – Lisa died. Unexpectedly. I fell apart for weeks on end. I still cry at night. I miss her. Losing a friend your own age is a shitty to the extreme. Losing one of your best friends and feeling that grief is totally life altering. I don’t have much to say other than it changed me to the core. I don’t have time anymore. I’m not waiting for shit anymore. I have changed things already. I bought a new car. My first adult car. I am taking care of myself differently. I want to be who I am supposed to be.

The thing I have noticed more than anything is the older I get the more strings are left undone. Nothing is tidy. There is no clean answer. Very rarely do I go to sleep and think, that this day was “complete”. It’s messy and sometimes ugly. It’s never easy.

4. October-November – Joyce got very sick and passed away at the end of the month. I miss her very much. It was so hard to watch and already being so vulnerable it just was hard. I was more a support character and I am proud of my relationship with Joyce. I stood by her for four years post divorce and I loved her. I helped her and I was active in her life. I value that.

On the side part – watching my ex LITERALLY become homeless is like watching a boat ram an iceberg at excruciating slow motion pace. He had four years before I divorced him to get his shit together and four years after and didn’t do anything. No job, no id, no car, no money and now it’s all falling around him and watching it is HORRIBLE.

5. November – On the bright side. I started seeing a lovely man. R. is hardworking. He is sexy and smart. Positive and he is supportive of me. We are early early early days but this is the first “real” attempt at a relationship in years. I don’t trust myself and my decisions much anymore. I am moving slowly and it’s going well so far.

THat’s my update so far.

2 In

That warm feeling. Like a blanket and warm cotton pajamas on a comfortable couch. Leaning into someone who is strongly trusted. Releasing that thought and feeling enough to breathe. Not needing to be on and knowing you are just fine amd loved.

Lately the anxiety robs me. Winds me up and then spins me into a world unable to let things go. Brain shut off seems impossible.

Medicating it, sedating it and supressing it are options I am getting too comfortable with.

I am working to connect and diffuse.

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