It’s hard

To be alone.  Willingly because you tell people interested in you NO when they aren’t right.  To be lonely which is a word a feeling I despise to say out loud and yet to stand here and feel those feelings after being asked out again and again by the wrong people.  I think this is a test.

Musical connections…

Music always connects me to a core emotion.  I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.

Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them.  I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November.  The first stanza is:

broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged

I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now.  The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes.   And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged.  Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?

THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be.  AT all.

The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song.  I am giving up on a rescue.  The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution.  There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind.  Or my life.  I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it.  I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever.  Get picky about what I want.

Knowing what makes you happy is tough.  Is it a true love?  Um sure but if that’s not an option.  Is it a great house? Kids?  Animals?  A passionate hobby?  A stunning body?  Gobs of Money?  A successful business?

When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?

So am I happy.  No.  I’m not.  Am I depressed.  I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper.  I need to know what fuels me.   I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes.  I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating.  My hearts not really in it.   I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself.  I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.

So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward.  To get the spark back and have it be authentic.

After Financial Meeting

After both talking to my new financial planner for the first time and then today, afterwards I feel so drained.  Financial issues are my Achilles heel.  Nothing makes me feel better than having money in my account and when I’m broke, or owe money nothing makes me feel more like a bigger failure.   After explaining everything I had done wrong, she got her pen and paper, gave me some questions for my accountant and then gave me some items to do.  WE are off.  I then promptly felt like someone let all the air out of my body.  I napped and started worrying and so got back up and answering e-mail.

More Positive…

I need to make an addendum to the update.  I started talking after the post.  To Moni, to Christine, to Ru.  People texted and left comments.  I stopped being in my head so much.  It stopped being so scary.  Also and this is crucial, Moni pointed out with my intestinal issues, I may be under-medicated.  And she has a point.  Sometimes when I eat a bit of gluten or have something else undetermined going on, not much stays in my stomach or my body.  If that’s the case, being overwhelmed, crying and the anger I have lands smack in the middle of depression.

That said, I do have a bit of the middle age crazy’s going on.  I am squarely in the middle of wondering now that I am an adult (for the most part) what do I want to do.  I have to choose my life now.  And there are still whole swaths of it that make me squeamish.  Not pleased.  That is just hard mental work my friends.  And last night while watch the extremely intellectual Thor – a quote came up that just soooooo resonated it was like they made the whole movie just for me.

It’s not so bad finding out you had all the wrong answers. You start asking the right questions.

So I am starting to ask the right questions.  When I die, what do I want to be remembered for?  What do I want to leave here on earth as my legacy.  It won’t be children to mourn me.  I need to align myself with questions that matter to me.  And start living that way.  I want to go to bed with a smile on my face.  Satisfied, sated and moving forward because there is no guarantee that tomorrow will come.

Update

Moni said I had to update.  So here goes.

Mainly it’s a bunch of things that I want to scream at the universe and know there is no socially acceptable place to do it.  I did the fourth step of AA last night.  Not for dependency on drugs/alcohol but my al-anon reworking of steps.  It was a humbling experience.  Not sure I got everything out but it was a step.  Reviewing and asking a power higher than me to take away my fears, my defects of character.  Lately I haven’t felt that higher power in a true connected way.  The loss and fear I have in my heart has made me retreat into myself and live in my head again.  This is never a good thing.  Of course, spending time with Moni and Wick, Ron and Christine helped pull me back out but in essence I fear the question that people ask me after a post like this.  “What can I do to help?”  I have NO IDEA.  I don’t ask for help because it makes me feel like someone has ripped me open sternum to chin.  Vulnerable to the highest degree.  So I retreat into my world, my head.  I ask God/high power to help.  I beg for help.  Lately the silence has been deafening or probably more realistically the answers are not what I want to hear so I take it as silence.  I have noticed that I want to be numb.  I come back from visiting friends locally or far away and look around at my life and I don’t like what I see.  I don’t like this life I have made for myself.   I have one foot in the past looking at what I did and a foot looking at a future that seems like a trudge.  Wick has been talking about a plan and I agree that would help.  It’s the overwhelming feelings I have.  Everything seems like a cluster fuck.  And a hard one.  Do I want kids, do I not?  I look at a future without children and grandchildren and that seems bleak.  I look at what it would take to get that in my life and that seems like an uphill battle.  And I seem way to self-involved for having a kid all the time.  Let’s not even discuss the financial part of what it would take.  And having a partner for that child seems crucial.  Financially, I was feeling good and then a little life hiccups and I’m back to that frozen look in my eyes.  Staring at the wall, overwhelmed.  I owe people money.  I owe taxes.  I have bills to pay. My house is a project waiting for attention and money which I don’t have.  I know I need to do things but since I can’t even get my arms around it then where do I start.  I also have to get my dogs to the vet.  One is sick and deserves treatment or relief and I’m so sad about that I can’t even get my head around that.  So much loss lately, where do I even start with that.  I don’t trust men.  I don’t trust relationships.  I don’t trust.  I have a very small group of people in my circle of trust and my heart feels very grinchy.  I can’t spare giving any help beyond the very very basic amounts right now.  People that require vast amounts of time or I get even the slightest amount of need from and I retreat into my safe zone.  I JUST CAN’T DO IT.  Sometimes I find myself so shut down I can’t even answer the phone.  I just retreat into safe.  Then comes the very unhealthy need for numbness.  It just feels too much TOO TOO much and I want to just not feel at all for a bit.  That can’t be healthy.  Isn’t that a recipe for a addiction right there?  Another thing to worry about.  Lately when I go to bed and I find myself crying again about worries or things that have yet to happen, I just want to go to sleep. Wake up to start the trudge again and feel ok.  That doesn’t happen really.  I see people who have a partner in their life.  I’m surrounded LITERALLY by these people.  And I see how their partners have been there for them and continue to be a team effort.  I can’t remember a relationship I have ever had that was like that.  When every relationship you have is with emotionally stunted people then you have to look at yourself and say it’s not them, it’s you.  You are choosing horrible people in your life.  So yes, I want someone to swoop in and rescue me.  Make this shitty life better.  To make my life not be or seem too empty.  I would love that.  But then we all know, there is no WHITE KNIGHT.  There is no simple answer that is going to make this better.  I have to rescue myself.  I have to get myself up off the ground and start on the path.  I have considered my meds are off and I probably should double up on some anti-depression meds – in fact, when I have taken my hydrocodone, I notice the anxiety deadens and I feel better.  I even looked up on the internet if hydrocodone has anti-anxiety benefit and it does but it’s also HIGHLY addictive.  So yah, meds check in my future.  When I have money.

This is what is in my head.  When you ask me how I am.  This is how I am.  I will say, I’m fine.  I’m good.  And in some ways I am.  I have great friends, an amazing family and mainly my health.  But I don’t have a short answer for how I am. I am lost.  I am searching.  I am trying desperately to find an answer.  I am trying to be my own white knight.  I am trying to not fall apart at the seams.  Or cry when you ask me.  I shove it back down because it is all of this and probably more.

Facebook as it once was…

I used to love venting on FB.  Just like I loved to snark on Twitter.  As each becomes less personal and more professional, my updates are less and less personally relevant.

I want to scream out that I am unhappy.  That I feel lost and that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I got what I wanted in a business and income (although I want more) and my health and bills and lack of forethought put me in this position where I am swimming upstream again.  And I haven’t even dealt with the majority of the bill issues.

The thing that holds me back again and again – I don’t want to owe people money and have no way to pay them.  I went through that and the shame and fear of it, is pushing me away from growth.

At least I have named it.  Now I can face it.

Sorry I don’t come over here and put happy thoughts.  There are plenty but this period in my life is not marked by much of it.  I have killed the hope addict.  I am coming to terms with their is no white knight.  I am not going to have a partner to share my burdens.  I don’t trust people anymore (tribe, family excluded).  I see other couples and their partners all seem to be contributing and I don’t seem to meet or find those people in my life.  I made horrible choices and am now paying the piper in many ways.  It’s easy to get angry, to have shame, to have fear and to have sadness about this place in my life and in my head.

What is harder is having forgiveness and tenderness toward myself.  To allow myself a certain kindness I would absolutely give to my friends and family.  I would wrap them in love, tenderness and caring.  I would help them and listen and guide them as they learn to stand up again.  I would cheer them and support them.  Thinking about that for myself seems very foreign.

Sad today

For lots of reasons.

Having a bit of PTSD.  Financially I feel back in a stuck place and where I have to “hope” things work out.  And it was because I wouldn’t face reality.  Things are different this time.  I have billable work coming in and things will be fine.  It’s not the same thing.  But it feels like the same thing.  The reality is that I didn’t put enough away for my trip.  I came home to rent for a new office place, two trips, bills bills bills and oh some more bills.

This place is dark.

I also saw an old love.  And I am reeling.  He is in a bad place post a very recent break-up but it opened up a very vulnerable place and he said things I have always wanted him to say.  He didn’t say it to get back with me.  In fact, that’s not what he needs.  But he recognized things I wanted him to say for six years and it felt good to hear those things.  It felt so good, that I want him to call and invite me back over and tell me things again and again.  That I mattered to him and that I matter in general.  I know when he says these things it’s true.  He doesn’t say things lightly and he’s one of the few men, I trust what he says as he doesn’t give that praise and vulnerability often.

Unfortunately in the past he is such a drought of words that show I matter that I end up feeling like a beggar.

It makes me feel so vulnerable to think I need to hear that and when I look around I realize that where I lost my intimacy with Moni when she moved, I didn’t replace it with anything that really sates me.  And I’m not exactly looking for that again but to hear it and to crave it, makes me feel sad.   I have plenty of people in my life that I have intimacy at a friend level with but I hold it back until it bubbles out and then I’m shocked that I needed it and that it exists in general.  I find I believe that it’s not possible for me to find that in a romantic way because I don’t know know myself enough to know what I need.

He asked why I married my ex and I said because I was in Love.  With a capital L. I ignored red flags, and friends telling me to abort/abort and looked past traits that I thought I could fix.  What he was very good at was filling up that place that begs to hear I matter.  He was very good at telling me how wonderful and special and amazing I was.  It was like crack to me.  I felt so loved and heard and understood until slowly the blinders fell away and I realized those were just words.  Hollow words.  There wasn’t action to them.  There wasn’t movement.  It was just words to prop up my ego so that I would continue to put up with his behavior and his lack of integrity.  I fell for it for five years.  Until I was broken, literally on the ground, half dead.  Having gained 100 pounds and with all of my savings gone, my house ruined, friends and family wary and realizing I had married someone who could never love me because he didn’t love himself.  He didn’t even know how to do anything but lie to get what he wanted.  And I fell for it.

How do I ever believe people again.  Hell I pretty much went back straight to that pattern the first time I was given a chance.  How do I ever get to a place where I don’t want to fix a partner.  Or that I can accept that no one is perfect.  How can I trust anyone to have my back when every person I have known romantically has let me down.  EVERYONE of them.  Myself especially included.

Forgiveness and kindness to myself is something I have been really working hard at, but I come back from truly one of the most incredible trips of my life and I don’t like what I see again.  I went to Israel and saw and experienced an amazing world.  I truly loved every minute.  I wanted to be awake early and going and seeing and doing.  I fell asleep each night worn out in a happy way.  It was easy to be friendly and not sarcastic around people and share these wonderful experiences with my Mother.  I wasn’t feeling forced or weird or fake.  I was authentic and it was amazing.  I come back from the trip and I can’t get out of my mode.  I can’t stop feeling and what I am feeling is not great.  It’s overwhelmed and guilty and shame and alone and broke and everything around me is needing repair or fixing or help and I can’t do it.

I feel too much and not enough exactly in the same moment.

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