Inside Out

I learned something this year. I am an outgoing introvert. I always always always thought I was an extrovert. I love talking and being around people. Until I don’t. It’s like a button goes off and I can be around a few people (and even on occasion no people) but it’s like a magical turkey timer that dings and I am out. And when I say out, I don’t mean politely waiting my turn to talk and then bowing out – I mean Irish Goodbye, fold your notes up mid-meeting and just declare yourself gone. When I am stuck and not able to do this. I shred things around me, I get jumpy, I get ornery and then tired.

It happened last night in the middle of a Cards Against Humanity game and I am afraid I got a tad churlish. I just wanted to be home in softies and chilling out and I was still work dressed and “on”.

So being in the middle of a tournament type thing I can’t just be like I’m OUT! Although I’m sure my body language and everything else about me screamed it. That said R. did meet Ru, Anella, Nick and Kim so that’s great. Only the rest of the tribe, my brother and family to go. He seems to be holding up fine and now I have warned him about the walk of doom to get to know everyone, he has been a great sport about it.

I wonder what other introverted things I will learn about myself. Jeez at 45 you would think I have some of this down but no. Although this does explain my intolerance for chit/chat and banal conversation is. It also explains my need to retreat even in the middle of a party.

Shockface. It’s Holidaillies

Hauself of course wants to do Holidaillies and I am nothing in not a slave to her desires. Hahahaha.

I haven’t written here in ages. About a year it looks like. Mainly because this year has been a whirlwind. I will bring you up to speed.

1. January-August – The business grew at an unprecedented rate. Good news. But it brings such a wide variety of new stressors. People and situations and growth and life can get complicated.

2. September – I had to put Marble to sleep. She was getting worse and worse and I held on a little long. Monique came in town and Brooke, Ru and I went to the vet. It was as horrible as it sounds. She went in peace but for all her craziness I had her for 15 years and she lived a good life. A crazy life but a good life.

3. September – Lisa died. Unexpectedly. I fell apart for weeks on end. I still cry at night. I miss her. Losing a friend your own age is a shitty to the extreme. Losing one of your best friends and feeling that grief is totally life altering. I don’t have much to say other than it changed me to the core. I don’t have time anymore. I’m not waiting for shit anymore. I have changed things already. I bought a new car. My first adult car. I am taking care of myself differently. I want to be who I am supposed to be.

The thing I have noticed more than anything is the older I get the more strings are left undone. Nothing is tidy. There is no clean answer. Very rarely do I go to sleep and think, that this day was “complete”. It’s messy and sometimes ugly. It’s never easy.

4. October-November – Joyce got very sick and passed away at the end of the month. I miss her very much. It was so hard to watch and already being so vulnerable it just was hard. I was more a support character and I am proud of my relationship with Joyce. I stood by her for four years post divorce and I loved her. I helped her and I was active in her life. I value that.

On the side part – watching my ex LITERALLY become homeless is like watching a boat ram an iceberg at excruciating slow motion pace. He had four years before I divorced him to get his shit together and four years after and didn’t do anything. No job, no id, no car, no money and now it’s all falling around him and watching it is HORRIBLE.

5. November – On the bright side. I started seeing a lovely man. R. is hardworking. He is sexy and smart. Positive and he is supportive of me. We are early early early days but this is the first “real” attempt at a relationship in years. I don’t trust myself and my decisions much anymore. I am moving slowly and it’s going well so far.

THat’s my update so far.

2 In

That warm feeling. Like a blanket and warm cotton pajamas on a comfortable couch. Leaning into someone who is strongly trusted. Releasing that thought and feeling enough to breathe. Not needing to be on and knowing you are just fine amd loved.

Lately the anxiety robs me. Winds me up and then spins me into a world unable to let things go. Brain shut off seems impossible.

Medicating it, sedating it and supressing it are options I am getting too comfortable with.

I am working to connect and diffuse.

Can’t Win for Losing

There are some days.  You just can’t win for losing.

I have desperately wanted to be more ok with No.  Saying it, not couching it, or being quiet about it.  But what I’m finding is that to say NO you have to know what you want.  First.  I have had a few scenarios that came up and basically I said no, let me think about it,  trying to be nice or really when I don’t care just saying I don’t care.  But lately my authenticity alarm has been thrumming like a banjo.  The plucking of expectations put on me, draped on me.   If I don’t answer with the right amount of appreciation, or the right adjective, or the right whatever – I feel pushed.  And lately I have felt that I’m the only one that can read different people and get the subtext and re-adjust.  It’s like I know the under current of the situation and I work to make it smooth.  And person X didn’t understand person X and now somehow I’m the go between.  Then I feel like it’s a situation somehow I have to fix.  Which I KNOW IS NOT TRUE.

I wish I was one of those people who thought on their feet.  Who knew what they wanted in that exact moment.  Who didn’t read the room and work to make it amicable for all.   One who could present the truth, my truth and in an intellectual way set that boundary.

Blah blah blah.  Just today with a wish on a star kind of feeling.

Well that was quick…

Sorry about the very impressive one day run on posts.  This week was so intense in both good and bad ways.  Not sure if many of you know R. and I started a business in 2013.  It has done better than I could of ever hoped.  We are growing and our reputation is doing well and our services are valued.  On top of that we have clients who “get” us and it feels very satisfying and authentic.  After having 13 years of a business that no matter how hard I worked, or what magical thinking I produced, I was always the one holding the bag, clients were not happy and neither was I.  This is so different and awesome.  And I can honestly say, there are very few days, I don’t want to go to the office and get it going!!!

So this week, we got to meet and pitch a top member of a company who asked us to do specific company wide pricing so she can recommend people use us.  This company is THE largest company in America who would use our services.  It was big.  We also got a kudos from the President of another company that has been our foundational client.  We started with them.  They believed in our philosophy, we helped change the culture at the company, it has born fruit for this company and we were able to make our Sponsor in the company look VERY good and solidify our reputation with one document/email that was perfectly timed.  This has been a 2+ year process and it just was satisfying at one of the deepest levels to see it come full circle.  We also got to finally pitch another company that could be come much larger.  This has been an ongoing process for months and we finally got in.  IT WENT really well.  They want pricing, they want to see what other deals we can help.  Our new sales guy got to see and he is so excited to be moving forward.

The bad?  We had what all small companies have.  A cash flow situation.  Google (who we advertise with) has been fishing in our bank account and hit us hard in a short amount of time.  We also changed some billing timing and it hit at the same time.  We had a meeting with our board and I was like if this a OLD COMPANY type situation, I need to know because I’m out.  My board pointed out that OLD COMPANY never had ongoing, recurring revenue and looked at our receivables and said we are fine.  They gave us some things to change and strategies that seemed really dead on.  R and I got right on it and it’s already better but it was a very stressful few days.  If I think about it, OLD COMPANY never had to have these issues because old company was always robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Anyways he said this happens to all companies, we just never got there before and that this is a growth situation and we can fix it.  My favorite part.  We didn’t even ask for a bridge loan or anything like that.  That felt good.  By Friday we were back into the swing of things.

NOTHING makes me more PTSDy than to look at the accounts and see nothing in them.  Or to have one of those, we are waiting on checks type of conversations.

In other news, I went back to my Chinese Dude and Acupuncturist.  He was very pleased with how things are moving around in my system.  He said most systems resist but mine needs a little push and it will move.  In other ways, he said my will power is impressive.  SHOCK FACE.  I said it’s not will power.  It’s stubbornness.  He said at my level he usually sees systems in disarray but mine is collecting and it’s like it’s gearing up for the fight.  I don’t now if any of this makes sense but it did to me yesterday.  He opened my Spleen channel.  And then the hard part.  He has to do needles in like the MOST vulnerable areas.  Starting at my breast bone, done into my belly button region.  It’s like moving my rolls around and having them sit waving in the air open to the world.  If you want to know the MOST vulnerable place on me, that is it.  I don’t enjoy people touching me there, I protect it with clothing and I always have it gripped tightly in muscles to make it shrink.  And we had that wide open with needles and maneuvering and touching.  Laying there, I have to use every technique to not panic and run from the room.  I know it’s completely tied into my stomach issues I’m having so I’m doing deep breathing and letting this area be worked on.  At one point yesterday I felt my arms start to shake and I had to breathe in and say the mantra in my head – yes this feels vulnerable, let it come, feel it, just be in that feeling for a moment.

It’s odd to be 44 and find this HUGE mind/body disconnect completely connected to my molestation at 7 and related to so many body feelings AND oh by the way every point he has a needle in me are the points where it hurts when I eat gluten, when I’m nervous or when I have gastro-intestional issues.  HMMMM I wonder if this is connected – she said naively.  It’s been there all along like a big flaring button and I missed it.  Or ignored it.  Anyways it’s open now and this is why I let a man poke needles in me and touch places I usually don’t let lovers touch.

Sorry for the lack of posts but this was my week.

Holidailies 2000-2004 Style

The lovely Hauself has revived these for all of December and since I am such a sucker for ze Haus, I am doing it.   With recent communication back up, I realized how much I missed the Tribe of old.  This is not to say I don’t thoroughly enjoy Tribe as it is now.  But old-school Tribe is where I came into my authentic self for the first time.  These people embraced it and helped shape me and just a minor chat/conversation on Facebook, IM or Skype and I remember how much and how deeply I am integrated with them all.  Listening to all the of the life things that have transpired – babies, marriages, adoptions, divorces (mainly mine) and moves – I realize that we are all in transit but there is a core piece of these people that move with me as I traverse life.  I just have to remember to reach out.  To talk.  To listen.  To be in their presence physically and mentally and life makes a little bit more sense.

And just to make you laugh – I am doing Chinese Meds again.  There has been no Pootin’ in Luton but he has been able to give me the first three or four weeks in a year without pain.  That is major.  He is also working on some core pieces that I have squeezed and shut down.  As they open, I realize how much my mind/body connection is not in play in this area.  I have been looking into meditation or techniques to help with that.  So far all I have is trying to “relax” that region and having the beginnings of a panic attack. Sooooo….lots of work to be done there.

Not to be vague.  But part of the core issue I have is in my stomach/belly region both with gluten and with other associated pain.  He is pointing out that’s where I hide my body issues, my stress, my nervousness and where I protect with clothes/food and clamping down muscles.   He is releasing part of it physically but when he does that the mental stuff comes FLOOOODING back in majorly.  So it’s a process.

I forgot how much blogging is a conversation and I feel like this is a love letter to my peeps.  Perhaps that’s a better way to think of it.  If that’s the case I must end with Sparkler’s famous line.

Yours in Christ / Sexy Kisses,

T

It’s hard

To be alone.  Willingly because you tell people interested in you NO when they aren’t right.  To be lonely which is a word a feeling I despise to say out loud and yet to stand here and feel those feelings after being asked out again and again by the wrong people.  I think this is a test.

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