Category Archives: Make Note of This

Welcome Back

It’s been a year and I am writing again. Yippee…

I don’t think anyone reads this but I enjoy the process. I recently have contacted an old friend and it’s amazing how still connected we are. I was missing a deeper connection even though I have other friendships in my life and Y. provides me with exactly what I have been missing. It’s so gratifying to reconnect and see how much he has changed and yet how much we still get each other. Happpy sigh.

What else, what else. Business has settled down and that’s a relief. November and December were shall we say. Rocky – in terms of the direction we were headed but we have a head full of steam now and we are rolling along.

I started a new eating plan. Basically clean eating, with a little fasting, and little or no sugar, white flour. It has been going well and I feel good about it. Going to start working out soon and that will get me back to where I was in 2012/13 and how much I felt better about my health. My friend J has done a Vegan plan, but I don’t think I can do Vegan or even vegetarian. I like my protein way-way too much. But I have been increasing my veggies intake and I think that’s good.

Donating My Time

I have had several conversations with myself (notice a theme) about the need to step out of myself and donate some time and effort to some kind of organization that does good in the community. I have debated about a few orgs such as Big Brother, Big Sisters, SPCA, or something like that. Time constraints and general laziness have led me to making no movement but today Brooke got Ru and I to go with them on behalf of the ARC to the North Texas Food Bank Comunity Pantry. It was a great and tiring experience. I may have to give more time there, it definitely allowed me to give back, be involved and meet the standards of not being in my own world.

Reading Just What I Need

Sometimes when you put it out there, the universe says here you go.  Yesterday was all about my angst and “what does it all mean?”   Last night I started reading/listening to a new book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.  AND IT’S WONDERFUL.

It really is speaking to the what does it all mean and what do I want to do.  Just the process of letting go of the should and just doing.

I could give you quote after quote, like I have been doing on Facebook but I’ll spare you that and just say, read some of them here.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

Song of the Day

Goddamn Lonely Love
Drive-By Truckers
I got green and I got blues
And everyday there’s a little less difference between the two.
So I belly-up and disappear.
Well I ain’t really drowning ’cause I see the beach from here.
I could take a Greyhound home but when I got there it’d be gone
Along with everything a home is made up of.
So I’ll take two of what you’re having and I’ll take all of what you got
To kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Sister, listen to what your daddy says.
Don’t be ashamed of things that hide behind your dress.
Belly-up and arch your back.
Well I ain’t really falling asleep; I’m fading to black.
You could come to me by plane, but that wouldn’t be the same
As that old motel room in Texarkana was.
So I’ll take two of what you’re having and I’ll take all of what you got
To kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before:
A man walks into a bar and leaves before his ashes hit the floor.
Stop me if I ever get that far.
The sun’s a desperate star that burns like every single one before.
And I could find another dream,
One that keeps me warm and clean
But I ain’t dreamin’ anymore, I’m waking up.
So I’ll take two of what you’re having and I’ll take everything you got
To kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.

Inside Out

I learned something this year. I am an outgoing introvert. I always always always thought I was an extrovert. I love talking and being around people. Until I don’t. It’s like a button goes off and I can be around a few people (and even on occasion no people) but it’s like a magical turkey timer that dings and I am out. And when I say out, I don’t mean politely waiting my turn to talk and then bowing out – I mean Irish Goodbye, fold your notes up mid-meeting and just declare yourself gone. When I am stuck and not able to do this. I shred things around me, I get jumpy, I get ornery and then tired.

It happened last night in the middle of a Cards Against Humanity game and I am afraid I got a tad churlish. I just wanted to be home in softies and chilling out and I was still work dressed and “on”.

So being in the middle of a tournament type thing I can’t just be like I’m OUT! Although I’m sure my body language and everything else about me screamed it. That said R. did meet Ru, Anella, Nick and Kim so that’s great. Only the rest of the tribe, my brother and family to go. He seems to be holding up fine and now I have warned him about the walk of doom to get to know everyone, he has been a great sport about it.

I wonder what other introverted things I will learn about myself. Jeez at 45 you would think I have some of this down but no. Although this does explain my intolerance for chit/chat and banal conversation is. It also explains my need to retreat even in the middle of a party.

Musical connections…

Music always connects me to a core emotion.  I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.

Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them.  I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November.  The first stanza is:

broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged

I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now.  The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes.   And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged.  Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?

THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be.  AT all.

The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song.  I am giving up on a rescue.  The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution.  There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind.  Or my life.  I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it.  I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever.  Get picky about what I want.

Knowing what makes you happy is tough.  Is it a true love?  Um sure but if that’s not an option.  Is it a great house? Kids?  Animals?  A passionate hobby?  A stunning body?  Gobs of Money?  A successful business?

When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?

So am I happy.  No.  I’m not.  Am I depressed.  I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper.  I need to know what fuels me.   I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes.  I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating.  My hearts not really in it.   I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself.  I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.

So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward.  To get the spark back and have it be authentic.

Images speak my words

If I could, I would blog more of an update. I’m catching up on quite a bit of “have-to” stuff which is a direct result of me spending quite a bit of time doing “want to” things. I read back to back all the Stieg Larrson books. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl who Played with Fire and the Girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest. I know there is some criticism of them (vaguely in my head I remember hearing about it) but I enjoyed them for the escape, the strong complicated female lead, the look into Sweden and it’s culture and the honest approach to violence against women. The Lisbeth actress looks awesome for the Swedish version of the movie and i hope the American one doesn’t bugger it up too bad.

In other rough waters update, I do believe we have had some breakthroughs that are helping me. Us really. Nothing that can be discussed publicly but our therapy continues and I feel it’s been helpful. Although the therapist did recommend I come separately next week. She was, I believe concerned about the amount of pressure I’m putting on myself and the feeling that I’m sinking I conveyed a few times. Her perception is that despite some rather obvious bumps especially in the tail end of the year, that my brain is adding some aspects to this issue we need to untangle.

Found this on Flickr here.

Mending Fences (I like the one plank at a time approach)

Moni shared some good stuff:

1. This image which I LOVE!

2. These links/posts which are awesome!