Music always connects me to a core emotion. I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.
Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them. I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November. The first stanza is:
broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged
I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now. The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes. And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged. Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?
THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be. AT all.
The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song. I am giving up on a rescue. The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution. There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind. Or my life. I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it. I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever. Get picky about what I want.
Knowing what makes you happy is tough. Is it a true love? Um sure but if that’s not an option. Is it a great house? Kids? Animals? A passionate hobby? A stunning body? Gobs of Money? A successful business?
When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?
So am I happy. No. I’m not. Am I depressed. I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper. I need to know what fuels me. I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes. I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take. Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating. My hearts not really in it. I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself. I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.
So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward. To get the spark back and have it be authentic.