You know when you have a day where everything seems panicky and at any moment the world could come crashing down. I’m there. I just feel like I have all this inside me and any direction I turn it burns. Work is what it is. Life is what it is.
You know that’s bullshit. Work is hard right now. We need more clients and it’s slow going. Every day is a battle. It’s hard. Money is always an issue.
Life is hard right now too. I have gained weight and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin or that I deserve to have love and that’s a gross place to be in. Money is always an issue.
I have been thinking a lot about as I age and what am I going to do. My backup plan isn’t really in place and I’m not exactly earning enough to be putting away gobs of money for the future. Normally, I would wave that off but now it weighs on me.
I know intellectually that this too will pass and life will be easier but right now it all seems very hard and it’s stressing me out.
It’s tomorrow and I’m happily single so not really expecting anything dramatic. That said, I think I have come up with the way I can be happy romantically and I like that solution. It’s a little non-traditional so I’d rather not discuss publically but I think it will work. We shall see and I’ll let you know if it changes.
What is going on with me. I’m boring really. Working. Going home, making dinner, watching a little TV and uh talking to Y. and then sleep. It’s kind of repetitive but overall I am happier than I have been in a while. I also experimented and gave up my drug Wellbutrin. It was good for depression but not for anxiety and was making me anxious. I have found that after the drug was out of my system the lack of anxiety was higher than any depression, I felt. I still kept it in case I go off the rails. But it just has been a rough ride with the anxiety and now with it down, I’m like wheeeeee. I feel more like my old self. I have been watching it and making sure no depression sneaks up and so far so good. I might be a little more snarky but that was probably needed. hahahaha.
We went and checked out 24 hour fitness yesterday…little “fitness bro” up in there but as an alternative to the YMCA which is hell and gone for us now, it’s a great solution and only two minutes from the house. R. likes it because he can go sauna and hot tub. At any hour of the day. We like it for the fitness machines and groups workout classes. I also like their lap pool. I love to swim.
It’s been a year and I am writing again. Yippee…
I don’t think anyone reads this but I enjoy the process. I recently have contacted an old friend and it’s amazing how still connected we are. I was missing a deeper connection even though I have other friendships in my life and Y. provides me with exactly what I have been missing. It’s so gratifying to reconnect and see how much he has changed and yet how much we still get each other. Happpy sigh.
What else, what else. Business has settled down and that’s a relief. November and December were shall we say. Rocky – in terms of the direction we were headed but we have a head full of steam now and we are rolling along.
I started a new eating plan. Basically clean eating, with a little fasting, and little or no sugar, white flour. It has been going well and I feel good about it. Going to start working out soon and that will get me back to where I was in 2012/13 and how much I felt better about my health. My friend J has done a Vegan plan, but I don’t think I can do Vegan or even vegetarian. I like my protein way-way too much. But I have been increasing my veggies intake and I think that’s good.
Excited about going to a knitting class on Sunday to learn how to knit the famous pussy hats. WoooHOOO! Also have to switch my drugs for depression as the newly emboldened insurance company has rejected my specific drug for no reason. Asshats. See what I did there.
I have felt blank lately – a little of anxiety but a lot of blank. What’s up with you is my least favorite question. Because it’s all there but in my head. I’m angry about Trump and what he is doing to the country, I am anxious as hell about that but it’s not everyone’s answer. Mainly cause I don’t want to argue with my conservative family and friends. I love them. I respect them. I just don’t agree AT ALL with how they view things. I am coming to terms with that. I used to throw it in their face and now, I’m just a little like they believe what they want and as long as I get no shit about what I believe then we are at a detente.
Besides that, I go to work. I work out now and again. I’m not dating anyone nor do I want to and I am repeating the first two over and over again. There is little variation in that. Perhaps that’s the answer. Go do ceramics, go to a poetry reading, knit pussy hats, write that novel you always think about. Just do something really. Do it.
In the most cliched possible way, I started my workout routine at the first of the year. I know, I know. But I have been wanting to start to move again and it was just so crazy at the end of the year. Sooooo. We set up a very doable, three days a week workout routine. The first day I worked out, it was agony and I only went a mile. I was puffy and red. Second time we went thirty minutes and was much better. Third time is today.
It occurred to me that I don’t like working out because I’m in my body fully. I feel all the things I normally just brush off. Sort of like when you meditate you want to be in your body, something about working out make me drop straight into feeling all the things. And when you workout you are uncomfortable and your body is screaming at you, but that is what I’m feeling. It’s an interesting observation, and one I need to chew on. I’m so good at divorcing myself from feeling things that being dropped straight into that feeling is jarring and probably why I don’t usually enjoy the experience. However, knowing that is what’s going on is crucial to help shaping the experience and then I can change perceptions. Hopefully.
Not even sure that is a phrase. We are in the week in between. Sounds foreign to my ears. But that’s where we are. That week when people are still taking off for the holiday and some people are in and working from home (me) but some are just out. It’s very relaxing for me as I get to just play it by ear. Get things done from home but also work so clients are happy. Wheeeeee.
R. and B. got home from New Orleans last night and they are beat. Both just want to sleep and I was super proud to show them the house I had worked on all day yesterday. I am pretty sure my changes were so deep that they didn’t notice them. I have decluttered a bit, added a few pictures, deep cleaned the kitchen and the breakfast nook and washed dog bedding. I still have to go get some light bulbs and have the refrigerator, my room and the bathroom to deep clean. I also want to go get a new fire pit so on NYE we can have somewhere to burn our wishes. Lots to do in the land of the adult.
It’s been one of those Mondays when some things went really well (Schrodinger’s Mailbox) and it’s still not enough. Just when I think we are making traction other bills come in and snatch it. Sometimes it is an uphill battle and some days it’s awesome running our own company.