Excited about going to a knitting class on Sunday to learn how to knit the famous pussy hats. WoooHOOO! Also have to switch my drugs for depression as the newly emboldened insurance company has rejected my specific drug for no reason. Asshats. See what I did there.
I have felt blank lately – a little of anxiety but a lot of blank. What’s up with you is my least favorite question. Because it’s all there but in my head. I’m angry about Trump and what he is doing to the country, I am anxious as hell about that but it’s not everyone’s answer. Mainly cause I don’t want to argue with my conservative family and friends. I love them. I respect them. I just don’t agree AT ALL with how they view things. I am coming to terms with that. I used to throw it in their face and now, I’m just a little like they believe what they want and as long as I get no shit about what I believe then we are at a detente.
Besides that, I go to work. I work out now and again. I’m not dating anyone nor do I want to and I am repeating the first two over and over again. There is little variation in that. Perhaps that’s the answer. Go do ceramics, go to a poetry reading, knit pussy hats, write that novel you always think about. Just do something really. Do it.
In the most cliched possible way, I started my workout routine at the first of the year. I know, I know. But I have been wanting to start to move again and it was just so crazy at the end of the year. Sooooo. We set up a very doable, three days a week workout routine. The first day I worked out, it was agony and I only went a mile. I was puffy and red. Second time we went thirty minutes and was much better. Third time is today.
It occurred to me that I don’t like working out because I’m in my body fully. I feel all the things I normally just brush off. Sort of like when you meditate you want to be in your body, something about working out make me drop straight into feeling all the things. And when you workout you are uncomfortable and your body is screaming at you, but that is what I’m feeling. It’s an interesting observation, and one I need to chew on. I’m so good at divorcing myself from feeling things that being dropped straight into that feeling is jarring and probably why I don’t usually enjoy the experience. However, knowing that is what’s going on is crucial to help shaping the experience and then I can change perceptions. Hopefully.
Not even sure that is a phrase. We are in the week in between. Sounds foreign to my ears. But that’s where we are. That week when people are still taking off for the holiday and some people are in and working from home (me) but some are just out. It’s very relaxing for me as I get to just play it by ear. Get things done from home but also work so clients are happy. Wheeeeee.
R. and B. got home from New Orleans last night and they are beat. Both just want to sleep and I was super proud to show them the house I had worked on all day yesterday. I am pretty sure my changes were so deep that they didn’t notice them. I have decluttered a bit, added a few pictures, deep cleaned the kitchen and the breakfast nook and washed dog bedding. I still have to go get some light bulbs and have the refrigerator, my room and the bathroom to deep clean. I also want to go get a new fire pit so on NYE we can have somewhere to burn our wishes. Lots to do in the land of the adult.
It’s been one of those Mondays when some things went really well (Schrodinger’s Mailbox) and it’s still not enough. Just when I think we are making traction other bills come in and snatch it. Sometimes it is an uphill battle and some days it’s awesome running our own company.
PUTTING. CLOTHES. AWAY.
I will wash 1000000 loads of laundry and dry them but putting them away is like the biggest beat down. I want house elves to come and put those mothers away. Dishes? I’m all over that even though the counters are too low and it hurts my back. Tidying I’m all about it. UGH. Folding all that shit and stuffing it in. You always can’t find a sock or you realize all the clothes need to be switched from spring to fall – all at once. Ok. Whine over.
Whew. I am not so down today. The world doesn’t have that ugly pallor that was gracing my vision for the last week or so. Good call on the meds. Now I can get to the real issue. Posed as a Sophocles type question – “What is the point if you aren’t with a partner and you don’t have children?” What are you building to, what do you want to leave as part of your legacy and your life? Do you just live and high-five out the door? I feel like there must be something bigger. I’m not feeling particularly spiritual lately, I don’t have a big burning passion and yet, I feel a hole. What is to fill it and what is driving me this way?
How’s that for deep thoughts of the day? People with partners are building a future together. They are doing things, saving/or not, traveling and building towards a future they share. With kids, you are just trying to keep those buggers alive and thriving until they can do it for themselves. It’s a full-time job and one where parents gladly do it. With those two missing parts of life – I have to find “the thing” or “things” that will give meaning to my life now. You only get one shot at this life and I don’t want to be the one that just skates by with no passion or driving force. Until now, It’s been my business. But I find that can’t be my fulfillment. It just is something I’m doing and that’s great but I used to live, eat, breath the business and it almost killed me when I had to shut it down. Now I find it’s better to view it as a part of the whole rather than the whole. I have friends who have immersed themselves in the care of pets, I have others that travel and that’s their thing.
I guess there is no real answer. There never is and worse it changes. I guess right now, I’m just searching and hoping to find that zing.
Will it hold the help we need right now OR will it be a sad disappointment. The last few times, it’s been a big tease with little results. Today who knows!
UPDATED: The cat was not dead. Very helpful.