Category Archives: Book of Me

Worst House Job


I will wash 1000000 loads of laundry and dry them but putting them away is like the biggest beat down.  I want house elves to come and put those mothers away.  Dishes?  I’m all over that even though the counters are too low and it hurts my back.  Tidying I’m all about it.  UGH.  Folding all that shit and stuffing it in.  You always can’t find a sock or you realize all the clothes need to be switched from spring to fall – all at once.  Ok.  Whine over.

Meds seem to be kicking in

Whew.  I am not so down today.  The world doesn’t have that ugly pallor that was gracing my vision for the last week or so.  Good call on the meds.  Now I can get to the real issue.  Posed as a Sophocles type question – “What is the point if you aren’t with a partner and you don’t have children?”  What are you building to, what do you want to leave as part of your legacy and your life?  Do you just live and high-five out the door?  I feel like there must be something bigger.  I’m not feeling particularly spiritual lately, I don’t have a big burning passion and yet, I feel a hole.  What is to fill it and what is driving me this way?

How’s that for deep thoughts of the day?  People with partners are building a future together.  They are doing things, saving/or not, traveling and building towards a future they share.  With kids, you are just trying to keep those buggers alive and thriving until they can do it for themselves.  It’s a full-time job and one where parents gladly do it.  With those two missing parts of life – I have to find “the thing” or “things” that will give meaning to my life now.  You only get one shot at this life and I don’t want to be the one that just skates by with no passion or driving force.  Until now, It’s been my business.  But I find that can’t be my fulfillment.  It just is something I’m doing and that’s great but I used to live, eat, breath the business and it almost killed me when I had to shut it down.  Now I find it’s better to view it as a part of the whole rather than the whole.  I have friends who have immersed themselves in the care of pets, I have others that travel and that’s their thing.

I guess there is no real answer.  There never is and worse it changes.  I guess right now, I’m just searching and hoping to find that zing.

The News Depresses Me

Every time I hear about another thing that El Cheeto did that violates what I believe to be right, I sigh.  I can’t look away.   Lately, I take my phone with me to bed to listen to my ebook but as I dose I check the news.  It is just infuriating and sad to me that half of the population is behind this clown.  He is so ridiculous that it’s hard to be supportive of those that I love that support him.  For them, it’s about the taxes and the pro-business stance he has.  For me, it’s that he is not going to “change” the swamps of DC other than to bring in conservative, and even some alt-right people in, allow my rights as a woman to be violated, encourage violence and hate and embarrass us as a nation in the world political scene.  We. Look. Like. Idiots.

I am part of the Pantsuit Nation and even have it on my news feed at a hyper-local level.  I read the inspiring and the sad and sigh.  It’s going to be a long long four years.

What Two Days in a Row

What in the what is going on.  I am writing TWO DAYS IN A ROW.  Crazy man.

Anyhoo.  I’m on a break right now.  A break from a lot of things but mainly alcohol.  I had a run in with Tuaca the other night and it got ugly so I just needed to take some action that separated me from that specific time.  Something.  So I stopped drinking for a bit and you realized pretty quickly how many things are related to a small or not so small drink.

  • Let’s go out for drinks
  • We have an hour to burn want to go get a drink
  • Rough day, lets have some wine
  • Thanksgiving dinner and wine

Just a lot, I didn’t notice but what I have noticed is that everyone I have told is nodding along and not really shocked or askance.  So that’s a good indicator I need to slow my roll in general.

Normally this is when I’m undermedicated – my desire to self-medicate goes up and yesterday I would have sworn I was medicated correctly but I realized I have not taken one of my anti-depressants for almost a month.  WHAT!  Now I’m deciding do I get it renewed or see how I do minus one of my anti-depressants.  CUE THE MUSIC.

Inside Out

I learned something this year. I am an outgoing introvert. I always always always thought I was an extrovert. I love talking and being around people. Until I don’t. It’s like a button goes off and I can be around a few people (and even on occasion no people) but it’s like a magical turkey timer that dings and I am out. And when I say out, I don’t mean politely waiting my turn to talk and then bowing out – I mean Irish Goodbye, fold your notes up mid-meeting and just declare yourself gone. When I am stuck and not able to do this. I shred things around me, I get jumpy, I get ornery and then tired.

It happened last night in the middle of a Cards Against Humanity game and I am afraid I got a tad churlish. I just wanted to be home in softies and chilling out and I was still work dressed and “on”.

So being in the middle of a tournament type thing I can’t just be like I’m OUT! Although I’m sure my body language and everything else about me screamed it. That said R. did meet Ru, Anella, Nick and Kim so that’s great. Only the rest of the tribe, my brother and family to go. He seems to be holding up fine and now I have warned him about the walk of doom to get to know everyone, he has been a great sport about it.

I wonder what other introverted things I will learn about myself. Jeez at 45 you would think I have some of this down but no. Although this does explain my intolerance for chit/chat and banal conversation is. It also explains my need to retreat even in the middle of a party.

It’s hard

To be alone.  Willingly because you tell people interested in you NO when they aren’t right.  To be lonely which is a word a feeling I despise to say out loud and yet to stand here and feel those feelings after being asked out again and again by the wrong people.  I think this is a test.