It’s been a year and I am writing again. Yippee…
I don’t think anyone reads this but I enjoy the process. I recently have contacted an old friend and it’s amazing how still connected we are. I was missing a deeper connection even though I have other friendships in my life and Y. provides me with exactly what I have been missing. It’s so gratifying to reconnect and see how much he has changed and yet how much we still get each other. Happpy sigh.
What else, what else. Business has settled down and that’s a relief. November and December were shall we say. Rocky – in terms of the direction we were headed but we have a head full of steam now and we are rolling along.
I started a new eating plan. Basically clean eating, with a little fasting, and little or no sugar, white flour. It has been going well and I feel good about it. Going to start working out soon and that will get me back to where I was in 2012/13 and how much I felt better about my health. My friend J has done a Vegan plan, but I don’t think I can do Vegan or even vegetarian. I like my protein way-way too much. But I have been increasing my veggies intake and I think that’s good.
My friend James and I went to eat Ethiopian food last night. Previously I had only been to Queen of Sheba but we went to Lalibela last night. While a little more earthy still very good. As we left we counted and found no less than four Ethiopian restaurants in the vicinity. Which now we will have to try. Along with the Flaming Cheese Greek restaurant which was in the mix. We commented we must be in Little Ethiopia in Dallas. Yay. I love having ethnic food enclaves in my city.
I love love love ethnic food restaurants and probably why James and I have been friends for so long, he does too. We are always the one couple that doesn’t fit in more places like that and it suits us fine.
Oh an article on it.
I have been such a little whiny whinester lately. I just reread everything and it’s like waa waa waa. Sure there are some difficulties lately and that has led to stress but ultimately life is what happens when you are waiting for the bigger stuff to happen and I need to live that life of in between. The grateful life of someone who has amazing friends and a tribe, who has a cherished family who are all healthy and thriving and a business that is growing. That’s big stuff and sometimes you have to step back and say THANK YOU for those things Universe/Creater/Spirit in the Sky.
Self-care is the first step in getting my groove back and I have been deep in the misery of weight gain and self-indulgence lately. DEEP. Spike and I had a mental conversation this morning and it went like this:
Spike: I’ve been meaning to tell you your ass is getting big
Me: Big. Now, Spike, that is kind of rude to say.
Spike: Well I didn’t say it was bad but you just don’t feel like you are comfortable in your skin anymore.
Me: Point taken.
Spike: I just want the best for you and when you are not comfortable ain’t no one comfortable. So get out and move some more and get body happy again.
Me: You are so smart.
Music always connects me to a core emotion. I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.
Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them. I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November. The first stanza is:
broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged
I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now. The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes. And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged. Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?
THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be. AT all.
The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song. I am giving up on a rescue. The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution. There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind. Or my life. I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it. I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever. Get picky about what I want.
Knowing what makes you happy is tough. Is it a true love? Um sure but if that’s not an option. Is it a great house? Kids? Animals? A passionate hobby? A stunning body? Gobs of Money? A successful business?
When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?
So am I happy. No. I’m not. Am I depressed. I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper. I need to know what fuels me. I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes. I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take. Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating. My hearts not really in it. I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself. I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.
So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward. To get the spark back and have it be authentic.
My favorite poem:
Poem Beginning With a Line after Merwin by Brian Clements
In the morning if rain falls through the rain
I will remember that you came tonight
when lightening opened a door in the leaves.
If we were closer, I would say
I have wanted to speak with you
the way air speaks to the sky, sky to an open field,
the way if you sit outside something speaks.
the cicadas start their evening discourse early.
Not everything is the same.
Let me be to you
As rain is to rain.