Can’t Win for Losing

There are some days.  You just can’t win for losing.

I have desperately wanted to be more ok with No.  Saying it, not couching it, or being quiet about it.  But what I’m finding is that to say NO you have to know what you want.  First.  I have had a few scenarios that came up and basically I said no, let me think about it,  trying to be nice or really when I don’t care just saying I don’t care.  But lately my authenticity alarm has been thrumming like a banjo.  The plucking of expectations put on me, draped on me.   If I don’t answer with the right amount of appreciation, or the right adjective, or the right whatever – I feel pushed.  And lately I have felt that I’m the only one that can read different people and get the subtext and re-adjust.  It’s like I know the under current of the situation and I work to make it smooth.  And person X didn’t understand person X and now somehow I’m the go between.  Then I feel like it’s a situation somehow I have to fix.  Which I KNOW IS NOT TRUE.

I wish I was one of those people who thought on their feet.  Who knew what they wanted in that exact moment.  Who didn’t read the room and work to make it amicable for all.   One who could present the truth, my truth and in an intellectual way set that boundary.

Blah blah blah.  Just today with a wish on a star kind of feeling.

Well that was quick…

Sorry about the very impressive one day run on posts.  This week was so intense in both good and bad ways.  Not sure if many of you know R. and I started a business in 2013.  It has done better than I could of ever hoped.  We are growing and our reputation is doing well and our services are valued.  On top of that we have clients who “get” us and it feels very satisfying and authentic.  After having 13 years of a business that no matter how hard I worked, or what magical thinking I produced, I was always the one holding the bag, clients were not happy and neither was I.  This is so different and awesome.  And I can honestly say, there are very few days, I don’t want to go to the office and get it going!!!

So this week, we got to meet and pitch a top member of a company who asked us to do specific company wide pricing so she can recommend people use us.  This company is THE largest company in America who would use our services.  It was big.  We also got a kudos from the President of another company that has been our foundational client.  We started with them.  They believed in our philosophy, we helped change the culture at the company, it has born fruit for this company and we were able to make our Sponsor in the company look VERY good and solidify our reputation with one document/email that was perfectly timed.  This has been a 2+ year process and it just was satisfying at one of the deepest levels to see it come full circle.  We also got to finally pitch another company that could be come much larger.  This has been an ongoing process for months and we finally got in.  IT WENT really well.  They want pricing, they want to see what other deals we can help.  Our new sales guy got to see and he is so excited to be moving forward.

The bad?  We had what all small companies have.  A cash flow situation.  Google (who we advertise with) has been fishing in our bank account and hit us hard in a short amount of time.  We also changed some billing timing and it hit at the same time.  We had a meeting with our board and I was like if this a OLD COMPANY type situation, I need to know because I’m out.  My board pointed out that OLD COMPANY never had ongoing, recurring revenue and looked at our receivables and said we are fine.  They gave us some things to change and strategies that seemed really dead on.  R and I got right on it and it’s already better but it was a very stressful few days.  If I think about it, OLD COMPANY never had to have these issues because old company was always robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Anyways he said this happens to all companies, we just never got there before and that this is a growth situation and we can fix it.  My favorite part.  We didn’t even ask for a bridge loan or anything like that.  That felt good.  By Friday we were back into the swing of things.

NOTHING makes me more PTSDy than to look at the accounts and see nothing in them.  Or to have one of those, we are waiting on checks type of conversations.

In other news, I went back to my Chinese Dude and Acupuncturist.  He was very pleased with how things are moving around in my system.  He said most systems resist but mine needs a little push and it will move.  In other ways, he said my will power is impressive.  SHOCK FACE.  I said it’s not will power.  It’s stubbornness.  He said at my level he usually sees systems in disarray but mine is collecting and it’s like it’s gearing up for the fight.  I don’t now if any of this makes sense but it did to me yesterday.  He opened my Spleen channel.  And then the hard part.  He has to do needles in like the MOST vulnerable areas.  Starting at my breast bone, done into my belly button region.  It’s like moving my rolls around and having them sit waving in the air open to the world.  If you want to know the MOST vulnerable place on me, that is it.  I don’t enjoy people touching me there, I protect it with clothing and I always have it gripped tightly in muscles to make it shrink.  And we had that wide open with needles and maneuvering and touching.  Laying there, I have to use every technique to not panic and run from the room.  I know it’s completely tied into my stomach issues I’m having so I’m doing deep breathing and letting this area be worked on.  At one point yesterday I felt my arms start to shake and I had to breathe in and say the mantra in my head – yes this feels vulnerable, let it come, feel it, just be in that feeling for a moment.

It’s odd to be 44 and find this HUGE mind/body disconnect completely connected to my molestation at 7 and related to so many body feelings AND oh by the way every point he has a needle in me are the points where it hurts when I eat gluten, when I’m nervous or when I have gastro-intestional issues.  HMMMM I wonder if this is connected – she said naively.  It’s been there all along like a big flaring button and I missed it.  Or ignored it.  Anyways it’s open now and this is why I let a man poke needles in me and touch places I usually don’t let lovers touch.

Sorry for the lack of posts but this was my week.

Holidailies 2000-2004 Style

The lovely Hauself has revived these for all of December and since I am such a sucker for ze Haus, I am doing it.   With recent communication back up, I realized how much I missed the Tribe of old.  This is not to say I don’t thoroughly enjoy Tribe as it is now.  But old-school Tribe is where I came into my authentic self for the first time.  These people embraced it and helped shape me and just a minor chat/conversation on Facebook, IM or Skype and I remember how much and how deeply I am integrated with them all.  Listening to all the of the life things that have transpired – babies, marriages, adoptions, divorces (mainly mine) and moves – I realize that we are all in transit but there is a core piece of these people that move with me as I traverse life.  I just have to remember to reach out.  To talk.  To listen.  To be in their presence physically and mentally and life makes a little bit more sense.

And just to make you laugh – I am doing Chinese Meds again.  There has been no Pootin’ in Luton but he has been able to give me the first three or four weeks in a year without pain.  That is major.  He is also working on some core pieces that I have squeezed and shut down.  As they open, I realize how much my mind/body connection is not in play in this area.  I have been looking into meditation or techniques to help with that.  So far all I have is trying to “relax” that region and having the beginnings of a panic attack. Sooooo….lots of work to be done there.

Not to be vague.  But part of the core issue I have is in my stomach/belly region both with gluten and with other associated pain.  He is pointing out that’s where I hide my body issues, my stress, my nervousness and where I protect with clothes/food and clamping down muscles.   He is releasing part of it physically but when he does that the mental stuff comes FLOOOODING back in majorly.  So it’s a process.

I forgot how much blogging is a conversation and I feel like this is a love letter to my peeps.  Perhaps that’s a better way to think of it.  If that’s the case I must end with Sparkler’s famous line.

Yours in Christ / Sexy Kisses,


It’s hard

To be alone.  Willingly because you tell people interested in you NO when they aren’t right.  To be lonely which is a word a feeling I despise to say out loud and yet to stand here and feel those feelings after being asked out again and again by the wrong people.  I think this is a test.

Musical connections…

Music always connects me to a core emotion.  I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.

Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them.  I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November.  The first stanza is:

broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged

I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now.  The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes.   And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged.  Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?

THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be.  AT all.

The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song.  I am giving up on a rescue.  The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution.  There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind.  Or my life.  I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it.  I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever.  Get picky about what I want.

Knowing what makes you happy is tough.  Is it a true love?  Um sure but if that’s not an option.  Is it a great house? Kids?  Animals?  A passionate hobby?  A stunning body?  Gobs of Money?  A successful business?

When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?

So am I happy.  No.  I’m not.  Am I depressed.  I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper.  I need to know what fuels me.   I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes.  I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating.  My hearts not really in it.   I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself.  I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.

So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward.  To get the spark back and have it be authentic.

After Financial Meeting

After both talking to my new financial planner for the first time and then today, afterwards I feel so drained.  Financial issues are my Achilles heel.  Nothing makes me feel better than having money in my account and when I’m broke, or owe money nothing makes me feel more like a bigger failure.   After explaining everything I had done wrong, she got her pen and paper, gave me some questions for my accountant and then gave me some items to do.  WE are off.  I then promptly felt like someone let all the air out of my body.  I napped and started worrying and so got back up and answering e-mail.

More Positive…

I need to make an addendum to the update.  I started talking after the post.  To Moni, to Christine, to Ru.  People texted and left comments.  I stopped being in my head so much.  It stopped being so scary.  Also and this is crucial, Moni pointed out with my intestinal issues, I may be under-medicated.  And she has a point.  Sometimes when I eat a bit of gluten or have something else undetermined going on, not much stays in my stomach or my body.  If that’s the case, being overwhelmed, crying and the anger I have lands smack in the middle of depression.

That said, I do have a bit of the middle age crazy’s going on.  I am squarely in the middle of wondering now that I am an adult (for the most part) what do I want to do.  I have to choose my life now.  And there are still whole swaths of it that make me squeamish.  Not pleased.  That is just hard mental work my friends.  And last night while watch the extremely intellectual Thor – a quote came up that just soooooo resonated it was like they made the whole movie just for me.

It’s not so bad finding out you had all the wrong answers. You start asking the right questions.

So I am starting to ask the right questions.  When I die, what do I want to be remembered for?  What do I want to leave here on earth as my legacy.  It won’t be children to mourn me.  I need to align myself with questions that matter to me.  And start living that way.  I want to go to bed with a smile on my face.  Satisfied, sated and moving forward because there is no guarantee that tomorrow will come.

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