I did a meditation this week. Woke up with shame riddling my body in a way I haven’t had happen in a long long time. I mentally recounted what I had done the last few days and couldn’t come up with anything that would cause shame or guilt or any ancillary emotion like those. It was hard to be in my body at that moment.
So I meditated and asked all the shame inducing pieces of me to come forward and lets talk. I did this quite a bit when working with my inner children during the intense therapy times of my early 30s and it really helped me identify parts of me and integrate in pieces of me for a much better, balanced person. It’s super powerful and reminds me of The Fluent Self and her work with monsters and “destuckification”. It’s basically calling out the subconscious and asking it to open a dialogue. POWERFUL stuff if you are willing to dig in.
So the pieces that came forward were shocking even to me…
1. A monster with three heads covered in stretchy black nylon pinned to box so it couldn’t move – with one head that was rage filled fighting the constraints, one sobbing uncontrollably and one that was just two ineffectual lobster like claws with no pinchers.
2. My seven-year old just post molestation (who the crab monster was reaching for in a protective kind of way but couldn’t reach as it was pinned down)
3. My 15 year old covered in body shame, barely able to be in clothing it felt so revealing and shame-filled
4. My present state sitting there naked (eek) but with absolutely no body shame or nervousness
5. Me as moderator which got so uncomfortable that I had to stop the meditation and create a higher evolved moderator source
I think that was all of them but there may be more that emerge. I didn’t get very far as the normal “adult” moderator was so uncomfortable the mediation kept going off-course. Finally I had to recreate it with a all-knowing kind of queen mother moderator so I could continue.
Normally I just talk to the pieces and we understand what is going on.
First one I started with was the the seven-year old. She fucking let me have it. Straight up. I asked her what she needed and did the “I’m here to protect you” and she was like “No you aren’t. You don’t protect us. you continually put us in harms way and sacrifice us for other people and you don’t listen to what we say at all.” It was justified rage and it hit me like someone filled up a pillow-case with bricks. I immediately felt it in my gut where I always feel emotions and realized she was right. In my desire to not be “afraid” of things, I will feel that fear and push forward. In some instances, it’s great and gets me to overcome many things that others just stop doing because it’s uncomfortable.
But apparently in my desire to not live a sheltered and protected life, I apparently have put pieces of me in harms way. Tender, vulnerable pieces of me. I have again at a pretty core level sacrificed what I needed for what others wanted. There were serious amounts of tears in therapy talking about that I had sacrificed a child (even if it’s an inner-child) and put that in harms way for something so temporary, and so base. I know I have to go back and talk to the other parts of me but the 7 year old was so forceful and it was so apparent that I needed to digest her words, that I am working there first. I’m sure I’ll call a shame roundtable again in the coming weeks and see who is there and what we need to work on but first things first, I have to address this, first, basic conversation.
So this week, it’s been on my mind. I’ve been trying to think about if I am sacrificing what I need – then I best identify what I need and not in a general way. Specifics. I will be probably working on that here for the next few posts. What do I need.