Listening to an audio book and working on Audits.  My head hurts.  This should be some song of mopiness.

Oh my head hurts like a banging
let the hurt ring, ring
the lights are low and it throbs
let the pain bring, bring

Fuck it. I’m going to get some aspirin.

What is it about money and having it or not having it that affects my mood so deeply.  Looking back over the previous months posts the highs and lows are related to how much is in my bank account or how much is in my company’s bank account.  I realize things are going to be hot and cold and yet, I can’t separate it in my head.  When things are tight, I feel like a failure and the hold of it weighs me down.  When we are jamming, I can focus.

There must be way to be ok without money.  To not tie it to success and failure in my head.  It’s one of the things that I like the least about me.

There are some days.  You just can’t win for losing.

I have desperately wanted to be more ok with No.  Saying it, not couching it, or being quiet about it.  But what I’m finding is that to say NO you have to know what you want.  First.  I have had a few scenarios that came up and basically I said no, let me think about it,  trying to be nice or really when I don’t care just saying I don’t care.  But lately my authenticity alarm has been thrumming like a banjo.  The plucking of expectations put on me, draped on me.   If I don’t answer with the right amount of appreciation, or the right adjective, or the right whatever – I feel pushed.  And lately I have felt that I’m the only one that can read different people and get the subtext and re-adjust.  It’s like I know the under current of the situation and I work to make it smooth.  And person X didn’t understand person X and now somehow I’m the go between.  Then I feel like it’s a situation somehow I have to fix.  Which I KNOW IS NOT TRUE.

I wish I was one of those people who thought on their feet.  Who knew what they wanted in that exact moment.  Who didn’t read the room and work to make it amicable for all.   One who could present the truth, my truth and in an intellectual way set that boundary.

Blah blah blah.  Just today with a wish on a star kind of feeling.

I don’t know what has crawled up into my craw. I’m not mad. I’m determined.

I’m not good with patience but I think I have been backed into the proverbial corner both personally and work wise.

You don’t think I’m going to make the outsides match the insides. Just fucking watch me.
You don’t think I’m going to stop being ms. stomp all over me. Just fucking watch me.
You don’t think I’m going to be successful and get my self out of this situation. Just FUCKING watch me.

I let this shit happen. If I’m mad at anyone it’s myself. Yah I let my ass get this size. Sure there are genetics but you don’t think in two years time, I’m going to be a different person inside and out. Then just sit back and fucking watch, motherfuckers.

Sure my savings are squat and it’s been rough but that’s because I gave a fuck about other people and let them cut into profit line before myself. I sacrificed ME for them. Not going to happen any further. You think in two years time, I won’t have my savings back, plus be where I want to be financially, just try me motherfuckers.

I don’t need to make new friends. I don’t need to expand my circle and let new people lie and weasel and manipulate me. In fact, I don’t need to let old people come back into my life and do the same.

I have a tight, great circle of friends I trust more than anyone. I have family that are supportive and amazing. And I have me.

I’m first. What I want. How I want it. My needs.
Selfish, you bet.
It’s my new sieve through which all things are going through.

via GraphJam