Soon to be divorced. It’s not something I have talked about extensively on this site. Not that it’s a huge secret but out of respect, I have chosen to not spill dirty details here.

The facts. I’m separated. Filing this week. It’s not saveable but I’m not going to dish and blame and rant here. It’s not going to do anything but make matters worse.

However, this is my space to process and so I will be doing that. So far, what I have been doing is sitting with my feelings. Letting them wash over me when they come. At first the cycle was so fast and so intense. Anger, disbelief, shame, rage, guilt, sadness, relief, acceptance, resolved. Want a new emotion, wait a moment.

Right this second. I have been doing work on the house. I have made good strides taking back my house. Slowly and sometimes fast as I move forward. My family, my tribe have had my back in a way that I can’t thank enough. I want to stand up and for the first time in awhile not feel like people are thinking, “poor Tina”. It’s not even they are saying it, I’m feeling it.

I have also been taking time to notice things that please me: (in no order)

• less drama than I have had in three or more years
• going to bed and having the whole bed and my side not deflating in the middle of the night
• more open communication with my friends and family that I have had to swallow for years
• not feeling like a sinking ship
• cleaning out, cleaning out, cleaning out
• knowing my reality is the reality
• knowing the other shoe dropped and I am still standing

I’m sure there is more but for now. This is what I’m processing.