Reached That Point

We all do. When one relationship is over and we are not ready for another in any sense of the word. The thought of trying to climb through the intricacies of getting to know someone again in a way where I could or would trust them is physically, mentally and certainly emotionally beyond what I can do.

But.

The need for the physical has re-emerged. That slight hole that propels people into decisions that are best left in their head. It is hard because heretofore, I was content. I was surrounded by friends and family who truly loved me, and like a straw I sucked up the healthy love like chocolate love. I stopped mentally beating myself into a pulp, and slowly and not that shockingly I am beginning to transform physically into who I want to be. Not some stupid toothless supermodel but less in the ways I want to be less. I put on a bra (and bought it) this weekend that was a C cup. And probably needed to be a B Cup. I have been a DD since forever. I can’t remember being a C Cup. And certainly not a B Cup. The shock on my mind was like a kick to the solar plexus. I know the cups are different from different brands I still fit quite comfortably in a D bra, I brought with me, but for double sure, not a DD. And then there was the size two lower than what I wear skirt. That zipped. Up. I know I am firmly in the size above but the fact that it went on and zipped and looked like something I would wear was a good place to be.

But I’m not done with where I want to be. Not by the longest shot. And I don’t mean just physically. Emotionally, Mentally there are definitely band-aids and glue and glitter still holding me together in some places, not especially well. So the tiny ache of the physical re-emerging isn’t particularly wanted. It’s that need to be physically in the presence of someone and know that they are attracted. To me. To know I am desirable. There wasn’t a switch that I know of that tripped, it just appeared and it’s not wanted but I have to acknowledge it’s there. I know from my past pushing it down just leads to huge gulping, gapping bad decisions. This particular loop can be pretty killer to my self-esteem because in the best of days, I’m an acquired taste – to look for a spark in the eyes of strangers is a fools folly that leads to dings to my mental armor when normal people just go about their day. Every interaction isn’t a mirror to reflect how I feel about myself. I know this. But I know this particular bad habit of mine. It’s re-emerged for a reason. Just like the failure monster of a few posts ago.

I need to find what makes me think I can be fulfilled physically or otherwise by someone and their approval, desire or attraction to me. That is truly the sign of someone not whole. And I know that I’m past this, but having this physical need roar to life in me, has me off my stride. I realized during meditation that it’s there and then it sprung forward during my stay in Florida. It’s good to be here to think it through and decide how to proceed. And since there is no where TO PROCEED with it even in Dallas, it’s better to find other ways to have that need met.

I’m not quite sure what that is but I suspect it’s transforming one kind of energy into another and to keep moving forward.

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