Is it a small depression setting in?

I’m debating it.  I don’t think so, but it’s got some undercurrent to it.

I like things to be a bit known.  Not that you can control everything but I’m feeling the tug of discontent and the unknown.  My former partner situation isn’t resolving.  My current work situation is just a job and not sure financially it’s going to support me.  I am seeing several people dating wise and while it’s fun, it’s also sort of disconcerting because I’m not sure even what I want exactly and so it’s a feeling my way process which is even more disconcerting.

So much unknown.  So many shoulds, maybes and what-ifs.  I find myself in the morning, not exactly jumping out of the bed to face the day.  I find myself wanting a nap when I get home.  The process where I start to pull-back feels like it’s happening again.  I should probably up my meds a titch but it’s just something for me to think about.

What a freaking hard one for me.

I’ve been learning so much the last bit of time about saying “no” and how that is really saying that I matter to myself but also to others.  But when it comes to dating, that instinct starts seeping in.  It’s ok to make it all about someone else, and to think this is about courtship and being pleasing – but slowly but surely, I look up and see, holy shit, I’m doing it all again.

Making it all about the other person and letting it be ok, if my needs get shoved to the side or ignored.  I’m so thankful I’m learning body signals, even though they are making me squirm at being so new and uncomfortable.  At therapy, we didn’t even talk about the signals we talked about my Ex and my step-son and a thousand other things.  But again I heard the phrase “Did you get what you needed.”  It’s always said subversively and in relation to others when I feel I have over-extended myself.  And it’s mainly a trigger to myself to remember that it’s not all about everyone else.  I can ask for what I want. And I started hearing it.  I didn’t want to hear it.  I didn’t want to acknowledge it because this new thing was feeling so good.

But I did hear it.  And so I kind of slowed things down with the guy I’ve seen a couple times.  I might have thrown a monkey wrench in the whole thing.  It feels different, now we had that talk.  And every pore in my sick mind, wants to drive it back to the other place.  But there is a small voice, that is resonating deep in me.  It’s ok that if I have a bad day, I can expect someone to give a shit about it.  I can ask that other person to just talk about it.  It’s ok to have those needs, to ask to get my needs met.  Sure it makes me want to throw-up.  And sure it’s awkward, as I learn to do it.  But it’s the process not the destination.  If this one guy, doesn’t want to get to know all of me, then he’s not the one for me.

Somewhere in me, a very small seven year old inner child is happy.