Been Awhile

Sorry about that.  I have for once actually not living in my head and out amongst the living and haven’t updated here.

Today I find I’m back in my head a bit.  After a particularly vulnerable date – which wasn’t because of him but that I attempted to show up authentically and the brain fuck it did to me, gave me a vulnerability hangover.  For days.  Luckily I had therapy that next day.  So what I did in that session was figure out … that I allowed someone to lead, take care of me (in limited ways) and enjoyed feeling safe from a masculine energy – which apparently was me trying to be authentic in that moment.  I actually allowed myself to feel shy and embarrassed (two emotions woefully under-represented in the mix) and it was a good day.  As me and my therapist say, dating is helping me work out so many of my issues . It’s like a petri-dish of what’s going to emerge.  LOVE THAT aspect of it.

What I figured out today, was because this particular person has removed the sexual aspect of this relationship or at least made it very slow, that has taken away my control.  My belief that I have control.  My sense of power.  My ability to “bring” something of value to the mix.  Because in my cross-wired brain, what I bring to the mix is a love of sex and sex.  Kind of like come for the fun, stay for the person.   And if that is off the table, what value do I have?  I know – I have value.  Or in theory, I know that but when confronted with someone just wanting to know me emotionally, mentally, what I like – and I can’t mirror back to them – then I have to you know be authentic.  I have to take the action that I matter.  That I have to put that back on the table and be there.

And therein lies the rub.  This giving a shit about yourself – isn’t for weenies.