Sorry about that. Â I have for once actually not living in my head and out amongst the living and haven’t updated here.
Today I find I’m back in my head a bit. Â After a particularlyÂ vulnerableÂ date – which wasn’t because of him but that I attempted to show up authentically and the brain fuck it did to me, gave me a vulnerability hangover. Â For days. Â Luckily I had therapy that next day. Â So what I did in that session was figure out … that I allowed someone to lead, take care of me (in limited ways) and enjoyed feeling safe from a masculine energy – which apparently was me trying to be authentic in that moment. Â I actually allowed myself to feel shy and embarrassed (two emotions woefully under-represented in the mix) and it was a good day. Â As me and my therapist say, dating is helping me work out so many of my issues . It’s like a petri-dish of what’s going to emerge. Â LOVE THAT aspect of it.
What I figured out today, was because this particular person has removed the sexual aspect of this relationship or at least made it very slow, that has taken away my control. Â My belief that I have control. Â My sense of power. Â My ability to “bring” something of value to the mix. Â Because in my cross-wired brain, what I bring to the mix is a love of sex and sex. Â Kind of like come for the fun, stay for the person. Â And if that is off the table, what value do I have? Â I know – I have value. Â Or in theory, I know that but when confronted with someone just wanting to know me emotionally, mentally, what I like – and I can’t mirror back to them – then I have to you know be authentic. Â I have to take the action that I matter. Â That I have to put that back on the table and be there.
And therein lies the rub. Â This giving a shit about yourself – isn’t for weenies.