Category Archives: Whole Truth

Early Hollidailies

Going to try and write here for a bit.  Deep thoughts going on in my brain:

  • If I don’t have a partner (not complaining/don’t really want one) and my goals seem sort of “get through the week” what exactly am I doing?  What am I building toward?  I don’t feel stuck per se.  But I don’t have a kid to get through school, I don’t have a partner that I am building a future with.  I kind of feel a little lost in the ocean of what does it all matter/mean.  And I’m not depressed (I have self-analyzed that already).  I just am looking for the deeper meaning, I am meant to do here on earth.  I would hate to slide into home base and only lived, not really lived for, if that makes sense.
  • Loved loved loved seeing Carla and Christine both in one year.  Miss them and our connection terribly.  Reminded me so much of that time where we were all together and it was spirited discussion and laughter and clearing rooms.  Much love much love.
  • I think President-Elect Trump’s (just threw up in my mouth a little) secret service nickname is El Cheeto.
  • I have been in a funk ever since El Cheeto was elected.  The news makes me sigh and the people he has emboldened both at the personal, State and Federal level makes my head hurt.
  • I drink too much diet soda.  I have gained weight that I don’t have a huge desire to lose right now.  Both seem to bother me at a level somewhere but not enough to change them.
  • Spike has aged into the period of time where (he’s 18) the social contract on my food versus his food has broken down.  I spend dinners shoving his snout off of my plate. Not just sitting there licking the air like normal, nooooooooo, he has gone full snout in on my plate.  I eat in the kitchen most days.

That’s enough of the slice of life.  I really am not depressed.  Just sort of resigned.

Shockface. It’s Holidaillies

Hauself of course wants to do Holidaillies and I am nothing in not a slave to her desires. Hahahaha.

I haven’t written here in ages. About a year it looks like. Mainly because this year has been a whirlwind. I will bring you up to speed.

1. January-August – The business grew at an unprecedented rate. Good news. But it brings such a wide variety of new stressors. People and situations and growth and life can get complicated.

2. September – I had to put Marble to sleep. She was getting worse and worse and I held on a little long. Monique came in town and Brooke, Ru and I went to the vet. It was as horrible as it sounds. She went in peace but for all her craziness I had her for 15 years and she lived a good life. A crazy life but a good life.

3. September – Lisa died. Unexpectedly. I fell apart for weeks on end. I still cry at night. I miss her. Losing a friend your own age is a shitty to the extreme. Losing one of your best friends and feeling that grief is totally life altering. I don’t have much to say other than it changed me to the core. I don’t have time anymore. I’m not waiting for shit anymore. I have changed things already. I bought a new car. My first adult car. I am taking care of myself differently. I want to be who I am supposed to be.

The thing I have noticed more than anything is the older I get the more strings are left undone. Nothing is tidy. There is no clean answer. Very rarely do I go to sleep and think, that this day was “complete”. It’s messy and sometimes ugly. It’s never easy.

4. October-November – Joyce got very sick and passed away at the end of the month. I miss her very much. It was so hard to watch and already being so vulnerable it just was hard. I was more a support character and I am proud of my relationship with Joyce. I stood by her for four years post divorce and I loved her. I helped her and I was active in her life. I value that.

On the side part – watching my ex LITERALLY become homeless is like watching a boat ram an iceberg at excruciating slow motion pace. He had four years before I divorced him to get his shit together and four years after and didn’t do anything. No job, no id, no car, no money and now it’s all falling around him and watching it is HORRIBLE.

5. November – On the bright side. I started seeing a lovely man. R. is hardworking. He is sexy and smart. Positive and he is supportive of me. We are early early early days but this is the first “real” attempt at a relationship in years. I don’t trust myself and my decisions much anymore. I am moving slowly and it’s going well so far.

THat’s my update so far.

2 In

That warm feeling. Like a blanket and warm cotton pajamas on a comfortable couch. Leaning into someone who is strongly trusted. Releasing that thought and feeling enough to breathe. Not needing to be on and knowing you are just fine amd loved.

Lately the anxiety robs me. Winds me up and then spins me into a world unable to let things go. Brain shut off seems impossible.

Medicating it, sedating it and supressing it are options I am getting too comfortable with.

I am working to connect and diffuse.

Well that was quick…

Sorry about the very impressive one day run on posts.  This week was so intense in both good and bad ways.  Not sure if many of you know R. and I started a business in 2013.  It has done better than I could of ever hoped.  We are growing and our reputation is doing well and our services are valued.  On top of that we have clients who “get” us and it feels very satisfying and authentic.  After having 13 years of a business that no matter how hard I worked, or what magical thinking I produced, I was always the one holding the bag, clients were not happy and neither was I.  This is so different and awesome.  And I can honestly say, there are very few days, I don’t want to go to the office and get it going!!!

So this week, we got to meet and pitch a top member of a company who asked us to do specific company wide pricing so she can recommend people use us.  This company is THE largest company in America who would use our services.  It was big.  We also got a kudos from the President of another company that has been our foundational client.  We started with them.  They believed in our philosophy, we helped change the culture at the company, it has born fruit for this company and we were able to make our Sponsor in the company look VERY good and solidify our reputation with one document/email that was perfectly timed.  This has been a 2+ year process and it just was satisfying at one of the deepest levels to see it come full circle.  We also got to finally pitch another company that could be come much larger.  This has been an ongoing process for months and we finally got in.  IT WENT really well.  They want pricing, they want to see what other deals we can help.  Our new sales guy got to see and he is so excited to be moving forward.

The bad?  We had what all small companies have.  A cash flow situation.  Google (who we advertise with) has been fishing in our bank account and hit us hard in a short amount of time.  We also changed some billing timing and it hit at the same time.  We had a meeting with our board and I was like if this a OLD COMPANY type situation, I need to know because I’m out.  My board pointed out that OLD COMPANY never had ongoing, recurring revenue and looked at our receivables and said we are fine.  They gave us some things to change and strategies that seemed really dead on.  R and I got right on it and it’s already better but it was a very stressful few days.  If I think about it, OLD COMPANY never had to have these issues because old company was always robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Anyways he said this happens to all companies, we just never got there before and that this is a growth situation and we can fix it.  My favorite part.  We didn’t even ask for a bridge loan or anything like that.  That felt good.  By Friday we were back into the swing of things.

NOTHING makes me more PTSDy than to look at the accounts and see nothing in them.  Or to have one of those, we are waiting on checks type of conversations.

In other news, I went back to my Chinese Dude and Acupuncturist.  He was very pleased with how things are moving around in my system.  He said most systems resist but mine needs a little push and it will move.  In other ways, he said my will power is impressive.  SHOCK FACE.  I said it’s not will power.  It’s stubbornness.  He said at my level he usually sees systems in disarray but mine is collecting and it’s like it’s gearing up for the fight.  I don’t now if any of this makes sense but it did to me yesterday.  He opened my Spleen channel.  And then the hard part.  He has to do needles in like the MOST vulnerable areas.  Starting at my breast bone, done into my belly button region.  It’s like moving my rolls around and having them sit waving in the air open to the world.  If you want to know the MOST vulnerable place on me, that is it.  I don’t enjoy people touching me there, I protect it with clothing and I always have it gripped tightly in muscles to make it shrink.  And we had that wide open with needles and maneuvering and touching.  Laying there, I have to use every technique to not panic and run from the room.  I know it’s completely tied into my stomach issues I’m having so I’m doing deep breathing and letting this area be worked on.  At one point yesterday I felt my arms start to shake and I had to breathe in and say the mantra in my head – yes this feels vulnerable, let it come, feel it, just be in that feeling for a moment.

It’s odd to be 44 and find this HUGE mind/body disconnect completely connected to my molestation at 7 and related to so many body feelings AND oh by the way every point he has a needle in me are the points where it hurts when I eat gluten, when I’m nervous or when I have gastro-intestional issues.  HMMMM I wonder if this is connected – she said naively.  It’s been there all along like a big flaring button and I missed it.  Or ignored it.  Anyways it’s open now and this is why I let a man poke needles in me and touch places I usually don’t let lovers touch.

Sorry for the lack of posts but this was my week.

Holidailies 2000-2004 Style

The lovely Hauself has revived these for all of December and since I am such a sucker for ze Haus, I am doing it.   With recent communication back up, I realized how much I missed the Tribe of old.  This is not to say I don’t thoroughly enjoy Tribe as it is now.  But old-school Tribe is where I came into my authentic self for the first time.  These people embraced it and helped shape me and just a minor chat/conversation on Facebook, IM or Skype and I remember how much and how deeply I am integrated with them all.  Listening to all the of the life things that have transpired - babies, marriages, adoptions, divorces (mainly mine) and moves – I realize that we are all in transit but there is a core piece of these people that move with me as I traverse life.  I just have to remember to reach out.  To talk.  To listen.  To be in their presence physically and mentally and life makes a little bit more sense.

And just to make you laugh – I am doing Chinese Meds again.  There has been no Pootin’ in Luton but he has been able to give me the first three or four weeks in a year without pain.  That is major.  He is also working on some core pieces that I have squeezed and shut down.  As they open, I realize how much my mind/body connection is not in play in this area.  I have been looking into meditation or techniques to help with that.  So far all I have is trying to “relax” that region and having the beginnings of a panic attack. Sooooo….lots of work to be done there.

Not to be vague.  But part of the core issue I have is in my stomach/belly region both with gluten and with other associated pain.  He is pointing out that’s where I hide my body issues, my stress, my nervousness and where I protect with clothes/food and clamping down muscles.   He is releasing part of it physically but when he does that the mental stuff comes FLOOOODING back in majorly.  So it’s a process.

I forgot how much blogging is a conversation and I feel like this is a love letter to my peeps.  Perhaps that’s a better way to think of it.  If that’s the case I must end with Sparkler’s famous line.

Yours in Christ / Sexy Kisses,


Musical connections…

Music always connects me to a core emotion.  I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.

Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them.  I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November.  The first stanza is:

broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged

I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now.  The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes.   And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged.  Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?

THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be.  AT all.

The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song.  I am giving up on a rescue.  The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution.  There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind.  Or my life.  I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it.  I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever.  Get picky about what I want.

Knowing what makes you happy is tough.  Is it a true love?  Um sure but if that’s not an option.  Is it a great house? Kids?  Animals?  A passionate hobby?  A stunning body?  Gobs of Money?  A successful business?

When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?

So am I happy.  No.  I’m not.  Am I depressed.  I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper.  I need to know what fuels me.   I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes.  I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating.  My hearts not really in it.   I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself.  I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.

So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward.  To get the spark back and have it be authentic.

After Financial Meeting

After both talking to my new financial planner for the first time and then today, afterwards I feel so drained.  Financial issues are my Achilles heel.  Nothing makes me feel better than having money in my account and when I’m broke, or owe money nothing makes me feel more like a bigger failure.   After explaining everything I had done wrong, she got her pen and paper, gave me some questions for my accountant and then gave me some items to do.  WE are off.  I then promptly felt like someone let all the air out of my body.  I napped and started worrying and so got back up and answering e-mail.